roller coaster life

I’ve always thought of life, at least my life, as one big roller coaster. One continuous journey of highs and lows, ups and downs. Not always knowing when the next drop will appear, plummeting me downward with colossal force and tightly-gripped hands. Nor am I always confident on my ascents upward. I tend to loosen my grip only slightly at times, fearful that the next plunge will arrive before I have prepared myself. And then there are those beautiful, mind-reeling loops. Times when I find my world spontaneously turned upside down, sometimes screaming in terror and crying with fear. Other times with my arms up in the air and my hair blowing wildly in the wind.

And so the roller coaster goes.

I used to believe that I was strapped in, the journey being controlled by some force far greater than myself. And perhaps that is still the case. But my reactions, my terror and fear, my pure moments of blissful happiness and excitement…those reactions, those feelings, those are my own. I might not have chosen to embark on this wild ride, but I can choose to enjoy the ride. To sit back, with the sun beaming down on my face and the wind tousling my hair, and just ride the ride.

One of the things I have discovered about myself is that I often hang on too tightly, gripping until my knuckles have become white, my jaws clenched in anticipation. It is during these moments, when I suddenly find myself filled with panic or freefalling onto an unknown path, that I turn expectantly to seek the heights once again. It is during these times that my mind wanders, and my disillusioned fantasies expand to believe that there is a path where no lows exist. A journey where there are no terrifying drops. A ride where I can be surrounded by nothing but the sheer beauty of the clouds. And yet, as times passes, and as I grow, I am learning to embrace the highs and lows, the ups and downs. I am beginning to enjoy the ride.

And so the roller coaster goes.