hesitation...and finding moments of gratitude

I’ve hesitated to write this week. Holidays always bring up so many emotions, some good, some not so good. The emotions are heightened this year even more than usual. A farmhouse in rural Georgia, three generations of women, all wounded by the same man. Trying to find forgiveness in my heart, praying that he will find even a fragment of love within his own. Knowing that this will likely be the last Thanksgiving that my grandmama is alive, already the images of her frail and bruised body bringing a rush of tears.

I’ve hesitated to write, not knowing what words might come, if any words would come. Preferring to live in denial, to stay too busy to feel the weight of a damaged family, too scared to imagine once again walking across creaky floors and witnessing too many broken hearts.

I’ve hesitated to write, just as I’ve hesitated to allow myself to feel the emotions churning beneath the surface. I’ve hesitated out of fear that these words are merely a repetition of previous words, previous fears. And yet those fears never fade, never vanish. They will live in this family as long as he lives and breathes.

I’ve hesitated to write, and yet I need to write. I’ve been needing to write, and thankfully I’ve had a very precious friend who’s been listening for the past week. Such a light in the darkness for me; her prayers bring me comfort and the knowledge that the inner strength of each of us will carry us through these days. And so the journey begins tomorrow. A journey not so long, but so incredibly trying. Reminders to take deep breaths, and the knowledge that there are people in this world that understand…these reminders, this knowledge, will stay in my heart on this journey.

And so I’m letting go of the hesitation and the denial. Just as this journey is already producing a welling up of frightening emotions, so also will it bring moments of beauty and love. Moments of gratitude for the strength of my mama, the love of my daddy, the tolerance of my sister, the affection of my aunt. Gratitude for new friends and old ones, for memories made and those yet to be made. Gratitude for the moments when I am able to hold my grandmama’s hands in mine, gently touch her face, and remind her that my love for her goes beyond this world. Gratitude that God has truly blessed me indeed.

This week will bring moments of fear and anxiety, but it will also bring moments of gratitude. And those moments of gratitude are the essence of Thanksgiving.

May each of you have a blessed week and feel your own moments of gratitude.