the priority of self-care

The one statement I have heard over and over again this week is this: “In order to do this work and continue to love this work, you must remember to place self-care as your highest priority.”

When I began school for my first masters degree in 2001, I quickly became overwhelmed by the strenuous workload. My social life disappeared, sleep was a rare luxury, and as stress took over my body, my weight plummeted to a dangerous low. My professors termed me a “perfectionist”, making repeated attempts to convince me that putting 100% into everything one does is simply not possible. My counterattack was always the same: “if it is worth doing, then it must be done all the way.” I have never believed in doing something half-assed and misunderstood their advice as suggestions that I allow my dedication to dwindle in exchange for a few extra hours of sleep each week. What I did not understand at the time was that what they were really trying to say to me was much more about self-care and self-preservation than abandoning my dreams. When many of the people around me encouraged me to take a semester off from school and focus on rebuilding my physical health, I only became more adamant and more determined. I completed the program at the projected two-year mark, no doubt attributed to my intense focus on reaching the “destination” of my journey. What I missed was the journey itself.

Two years later and with two years of additional life experience, I embarked on a new journey in my current doctoral program. The first semester proved to be a similar reflection of my previous graduate years. With a full load of classes and four (yes, FOUR) jobs, I treated my body as if it were easily replaceable and completely ignored the protests of my spirit and emotional well-being. I finished the first semester with an excellent GPA but too much was sacrificed in those first few months. I was admitted to the hospital during the week of mid-terms for a suspected appendicitis. After grueling tests, it was discovered that my appendix was fine. Diagnosis: lesions in my digestive track (i.e. ulcers). My body perpetually screamed for sleep and I battled recurring episodes of depression. And yet still I did not learn the true need for self-care.

Throughout the past two years, I have become more aware of the needs of my body, mind, and spirit. I know what burnout feels like and I know how detrimental it can be, on both a professional as well as a personal level. I have started to gain a better understanding of my physical limitations as well as the boundaries I must maintain for my emotional well-being. This is not to say that I have become an expert at caring for myself in the past two years, but I have taken baby steps and gradually progressed toward a more balanced life.

So here I found myself, all these years later, and still I am hearing the same words from my professors and mentors and supervisors. I am learning that they are words that are said to everyone in this field, not specifically designed for my own unique benefit. I am learning that these are not words of attack at all, but quite the opposite. They are words of compassion. They are words of wisdom. And they are words of truth spoken from those who have lived this life, done this work, and know the importance of caring for oneself.

With all of this being said and all of these realizations brought forth, I am making myself a priority for a change. As difficult as this is for me to do at times, I KNOW that self-care is no longer an option. It is a necessity for my body, my mind, and my spirit. I must find ways to nurture myself physically, emotionally, intellectually, creatively, and spiritually. And knowing myself, I also know that I need a “plan”. Realization of the importance of self-care is not enough to keep me actively doing what I need to do. So as I ponder what it is that feels good and nurturing for me, and as I devise my “plan”, I welcome any suggestions…