seeking to create

I am aching to create. I can feel it deep inside me, buried beneath months upon months of daily obligations and responsibilities. I feel it each time I pass a craft store and every Friday night when we pick up sushi for dinner at the restaurant that sits beside the huge, new art supply store. I feel it when I look at pictures and get that urge to just hop in my car with my camera and capture timeless, unexpected moments of beauty. Each time I drive past the old cobblestone building where I sat at a potter’s wheel every Monday night last summer…the aching grows stronger each time. Create, create, create. It is a mantra I feel deep in my spirit and yet I am not creating. Why?

During the school year, my reasons for not creating are legitimate. I simply do not have the time. Of course, I am aware that I could make the time, make it a priority in my life, as I have done in previous years. The only conclusion I can reach is that with all the trials and tribulations of the past several months, I have been left in a state of pure exhaustion. Perhaps denial has played its part as well. When having to deal with all the stresses on a daily basis, I simply would rather not think about it at the end of the day. And naturally, the process of creating will certainly bring all those emotions and stresses to the surface. So, at least in some degree, I do understand why I have been trying to hush this mantra to create.

Now it is officially my summer. Classes have ended until September. Of course I still have practicum and work and quite a few wedding obligations. But I do not have any excuses, and I am beginning to not want any excuses. And yet I am still holding back, though not as forcefully as before. I can feel myself inching closer to the edge, that deep desire to create growing more towards the surface each day. The only barrier now is fear…the same fear as always, that the ideas in my head will not manifest themselves as they are in my imagination. I am struggling to let go of that fear, to realize that my imagination is only the starting point, that the final product is not meant to replicate an image in my head. I am reminding myself that, as in life, it is the journey and the process that matters most, not the final destination. Still, my insecurities swell.

I considered taking another art class this summer. However, with my busy schedule of work and travel, it did not seem feasible. I would have had to miss several classes. And yet I do feel as if I need some direction. I feel a bit lost at the moment, not sure where to begin or what avenue to pursue first. Photography, painting, charcoals, mixed media…so many ideas flying through my mind.

And then there’s the need for inspiration. I find it each day when I sit down to read all of your blogs. Your words and pictures do inspire me tremendously, and yet I long to have that inspiration closer to me. It is hard not to have these creative bonds with people nearby, to motivate me, to push me beyond the fear. I wish desperately for a creative retreat with you all, my dear tribe of soulful sisters. But so it is. Reality forces distance. Nevertheless, I am eternally grateful to each of you. And until the days when I see your beautiful faces in person, I will continue to seek inspiration and motivation. I will seek to create.