life as i know it

"...everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt." -Sylvia Plath

Monday, September 10, 2007

steps...

One step forward, two steps back.

Although I began my weekend in the right frame of mind, intent on nurturing myself and relaxing as much as possible, Sunday ended in a state of extreme exhaustion (both physical and mental) and a sense that I had once again not placed my own well-being as a priority. The good news: I explored my feelings about this and devised a preventative plan to circumvent this particular type of problem in the future.

One step forward. I must brag for a moment and say that I attended my first (ever) yoga class on Friday morning. I am aware that many people practice yoga on a regular basis and that this notion of my self-pride in this arena might appear silly to some. But this was a big deal for me. As I am not a fan of going to the gym or being in a big room of sweaty strangers, it took a bit of courage for me to open those doors and enter that unfamiliar realm of tribal-sounding music and strange body positions. Despite my fear that I would look like an idiot (not knowing what I was doing and supposing that everyone else was well practiced in the art of yoga), I took a deep breath and opened that door anyway. What I found in that room was a sense of liberation and the feeling that this was one activity in the gym that seemed to truly fit with who I am as a person. As each minute passed, I could feel the music resonating deeper within me. My eyes naturally closed with an inner focus, my hands in prayer. Even my initial frustration that my breaths, inhale, exhale, were not matching those of the instructor, seemed to diminish as the minutes passed. Realizing that my breathing will become more aligned with my body as my comfort level increases, I let go of those concerns and set my focus to “the warrior”, feeling a swell of inner strength, the empowerment of a true “warrior”. It was a baby step, but it was a step forward nevertheless.

Two steps back. I will not recount the details of the remainder of the weekend but suffice it to say that Saturday and Sunday were spent in a state of increasing exhaustion. The positive side is that I managed to claim an afternoon nap on Saturday and got (more than) my share of therapeutic gardening on Sunday. The negative side is that I spent 90% of my weekend working and another 9% reading books for school. I think the remaining 1% was probably spent on the toilet…sad, but true.

Now it is the beginning of a new week. Busy days await and a long to-do list continues to grow. Amidst the chaos, my personal goals for this week include one art project, one yoga class, finishing May Sarton’s journal “Recovering”, and my own daily journaling.

My other goal: Two steps forward, one step back.

5 Comments:

At 8:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

kudos, love...
~ruby

 
At 9:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love you and just needed you to know that. I like your "other goal"... I think that will be mine for tomorrow too. I'll be praying for you to find that balance of self care for which your body cries out!

 
At 10:53 AM, Blogger bella said...

Whether forward or back, all we can ever do is one step at a time. And you are doing a brilliant job.

 
At 9:28 AM, Blogger Anil P said...

Or maybe it could be: one step back, two steps forward.

 
At 8:39 PM, Blogger Jessie said...

I love it that you are willing to dance with yourself in this way. I mean, really, we can't be perfect! I applaud you for taking the leap and getting yourself to a first ever yoga class. And then you worked too damn hard, but I'm glad that you are going to spend some time reading and journaling.

i've been thinking the past several days about making some commitments to myself like i did with doing a painting a day. i surprised myself by doing pretty good with that commitment (although i slacked a few times!)...why not extend it into other self caring regions of my life? you inspire me, dear girl.

lots of love to you!
j.

 

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