creativity and fear
Lately I have found myself filled with creative energy, ideas being born in my head and cravings to manifest them into reality. And yet I have been allowing the ideas to stay hidden, to remain within my mind and soul. At first, I excused my lack of actually working on these ideas as a result of “too little time”. And indeed, my daily life has been quite busy. But I have also realized that it is more than just “not enough time”. What else is it that is holding me back? What else is keeping my creative longings at bay, nestled within the comfort of my imagination?
As a first step, I went to the art supply store today and stocked up on a few items to assist me in my creative struggle. Once home, I opened my new dry media pad, my pastels sitting on one side, my charcoal on the other. And I froze. My hand was literally shaking as I attempted first to draw the outline of a face. Immediately, I was repulsed by the obvious distortions of the shape and flipped to a new page. On that page, I was able to draw some very misshapen, strange-looking trees and a green background, and then I laughed at the ridiculousness of the picture. It looked like the school art assignment of an eight-year-old. And it was then that I realized how deeply my fear is embedded.
To put it simply, I am afraid. I am afraid that what I create will not be “good enough”, that it will look silly or contrived or immature. I am afraid that the images in my head will never be brought to reality, that my inner creations will be forever locked within the barriers of my imagination. I am afraid because I want so desperately to be “good”, and I am a far way off from “good” right now. And more than any of that, because of all of that, I am afraid that I will allow paralysis to stop me from creating.
I’ve always told others that awareness is the first step of healing or overcoming any obstacle within ourselves. And yet, I wonder: will the awareness of my fear propel me forward or will it keep me from releasing my creative energy into the world?
posted by tara dawn @ 4:43 PM
9 Comments:
I hear ya. I come from a long line of perfectionists. One thing that has helped me over and over again is Natalie Goldberg's paintings. She has a book called Top of My Lungs: Poems and Paintings. I think she might even have some of her work on her website as well. Anyway, much of her stuff is completely disproportioned...but it's perfect in it's own way! I think of her everytime I start to get in my own way. She reminds me to just EXPRESS myself. And when it happens, it's a wonderful feeling.
Lately, I feel very drawn to "imperfect" artwork. It feels real.
Oh, I almost forgot...Natalie's other book about painting is called: Living Color: A Writer Paints Her World" It is equally good, if not better.
This is where your work invites you to be brave, when it's scary and you're frightened and somehow you pick up that pastel or charcoal and give yourself a chance to create.
I've used a few tricks to bypass my own fear. One is playing with little-kid materials to just have fun painting, gluing, drawing with crayons. Another is Julia Cameron's trick of sneaking up on the work by doing little pieces at a time - putting out your paper and materials one day, choosing a subject the next, doing a 5 minute session, however small the steps need to be to not wake up the fear.
You can do it. I'll look forward to seeing what you've created.
Oh I so understand your feelings!
I am telling you the drawing with teh right side of the brain has helped me tremendously, even with some paintings. I still have the fear come up, and I still struggle trying to create what is in my head, but it has gotten a littlke better.
Don't give up, be ok with doing bad pieces, you will learn from them even if you think you won't.
Just know you are not alone:)
Ahhh...one of the ademons of the Imagination is rearing it's head. Check out my last post on self-confidence and check back in a couple of days...I'm going to write about in a couple of days too (I'm planning to write more about this. To start it might be helpful to limit the self-destructive voice that says what you're trying to create isn't good enough (Give that voice a 3 minute maximum). Then make a commitmit to be creative everyday (even if it is only for a short amount of time). Third, allow yourself the time to learn. Expect to make mistakes and a few amazing discoveries when you're trying something new. But above all else...be compassionate with yourself. Your creative will blossom...but remember it's a process! Be well, sweet one!
Propel! Propel! I've never thought of myself as someone who could draw things, do there are many years to make up for as I try to get things out of my head onto paper. Like you, I get very frustrated. I just use the kids' art supplies (crayons, markers, pencils) so things do look immature. But it is a part of us we might not have explored, so we have to let it start where it starts and see where it grows.
Let yourself be flawed in order to grow. Make mistakes. Make mistakes and share them! I say the best things I have ever written came after etching crap and starting over again. I love the process.
With that said, I am completely humble in my abilities in writing and drawing. I am a novice in this world.
Tara, you are such a treasure! Keep at it and just enjoy it. Laugh at it and don't second guess it.
Love ya,
Tammy
i know this feeling well (and agree with jessie's book recommendations - i have Living Color and am going to get it out right now). when jon and i would go to paint your own pottery places, i sometimes would just sit frozen, not knowing what to do. what if it sucks? was the phrase that would repeat itself like an unhealthy mantra...
but i am learning to just breathe through it. what if it does? what if? what if nothing. i have more courage than that little inner critic inside me.
don't stop. i can't wait to hear about your adventures into the creative my friend!
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