no time for words...sorry for the pity party

There is little time to write these days. Little time to do anything other than pack up belongings, get to doctor appointments, and try my best to make it to school and work when possible.

The past few weeks have been some of the most challenging I have ever experienced. Forcing me to confront issues I would rather avoid. Dealing with unexpected catastrophes and trying to find solutions that seem impossible to find. Worried on a moment-to-moment basis about the future of those around me, and my own future as well.

At the moment, I am in the process of packing up my apartment. After it flooded at the beginning of last week, I spent the past week living in a motel, unable to assess the damages to my belongings, unable to do anything other than wait for the massive amounts of water to be excavated and to hear whether I would be able to return to living in this comfortable little apartment in the city. By the weekend, my patience had waned, thinned to a breaking point and so the weekend was spent house hunting, having decided I could not sit around waiting any longer, my entire life hanging in limbo.

Approximately 60 houses in 2 days...constant phone calls, emails, driving down random streets in search of "For Rent" signs, peeking in windows, appointments with realtors. Then yesterday, finally able to come back into my apartment only to find all my furniture crammed into my bedroom (the one room not damaged) and piled on the balcony. I signed the papers to terminate my lease last night, began packing with the much appreciated help of my "moving crew", and started filling my sister's garage with furniture and baskets of knick-knacks and suitcases of clothes. I will live there for the next two weeks and then move into the precious house I found in a neighborhood only two miles from my sissy and only 40 minutes from the mountains. It will be great once I get there, but stressful and exhausting at this moment.

I have been frustrated beyond words, sad beyond words, terrified on a daily basis, and battling some of the worst depression and anxiety I've experienced since the early days of adolescence.

My heart still breaks for my best friend each day, hearing her voice across too many miles and wanting nothing more than to just leave this city and go snuggle with her and her baby daughter. To bring her even a moment of comfort or laughter. Even through her tormenting grief, she continues to be my rock and my angel..."the flower in my otherwise dead garden".

I received a call yesterday informing me that my ex, still a very dear friend, is now in the hospital awaiting brain surgery. Organs not properly functioning and bleeding in his brain...another waiting game, more constant prayers. Speaking with his mom today and reminding them all that I am here and I love them.

And my own doctor's appointments...a mammagram on Friday, a pelvic ultrasound next week to determine whether they will take an ovary out. It has all proved to be too much...school and work have been put on hold as much as possible in order to get my life, and myself, stabilized again.

No time for more words at the moment. Just a sincere pleading with any of you who read this...please say prayers for my best friend and her heartwrenching grief, for my ex and his deteriortating body and dampened spirit, and for my sister, cousin, and our boyfriends who have been my organization and stability through the entire flooding/motel living/moving process.

And if there is extra room for prayers, please say an enormous prayer of gratitude for the wonderful, loving, supportive people that keep my spirits up and my hopes alive. My parents, David, my best friend, my other dear friends, and my sweet sister and cousin. I could never make it through these days, or this life, without them.