a new path...

Once again, I have found my creativity pushed to the wayside. Between finishing yet another semester of doctoral school, working three jobs, and the chaos of the holidays, I have left myself no time to write or paint or create. Or perhaps that is merely the excuse I have been using to justify my lack of creative manifestations. Somewhere deep inside, I know that the time can be made. The time can be found; I have found it before.

And so I am left to wonder why I have chosen to not allow myself the time for my creativity to emerge. So much has been happening in my life; so much that I could have found the words to illuminate. Maybe the words are ready now; maybe now I have found the time to tell you about my life these days.

A 12 week old puppy has found his way into my home, and my heart. For the past few weeks, I’ve been learning to be a mommy to my precious pup. Even now, as I sit here writing, I look to my right and find myself mesmerized by the beauty of his chocolate coat, the white sprinkles that grace the tips of his paws, the sleepy eyes that struggle to stay open as he bathes his new orange dinosaur in kisses and love bites. I see his little (actually not so little) body stretched out across the floor and fall in love with him a little more each time I watch his ears dance upward at the sound of my voice. Falling asleep at night, he insists on laying his soft face against mine and his warm, pudgy body brings a smile to my face even as I throw on furry boots and a thick sweatshirt to take him outside in the early morning hours. He is the newest man in my life, but not the only one.

After a strange coincidental introduction several weeks ago, I met the other new man in my life. A Sunday night spent at a hole-in-the-wall bar, conversation flowing and smiles that left brilliant sparkles lighting up my eyes. Such a simple night, but the beginning of an amazing journey. It is only the beginning and I do not know where the path may lead. What I do know is the skipping of my heart each time I hear his voice, the butterflies that flutter relentlessly when he lifts me off my feet and encircles my body in strong arms of comfort. I know the sheer pleasure of my hand wrapped in his as we wander down grocery store isles or lamp-lit streets under ebony skies. I know the peace that settles in my heart when he holds my face in his hands and kisses me gently on the forehead. Though I may not know what the future will bring, I do know the comfort of lounging in pajamas with his mama, talking about life and love and sharing stories that leave me wanting to keep lounging all weekend. I know the joy that lifts my spirit as I watch him playing ball with my pup and the sweetness of walking in a room to find him napping with my puppy’s head nestled in the arch of his neck. I know the laughter that leaves us breathless and the sincerity that leaves us awestruck.

There is so much that I do not know yet, but so much that I learn each day. In the past many months, I found happiness in solitude. I found joy in moments of silence, laughter in the company of friends, comfort in my spirituality. I was walking my own path before either of these men entered my life. But in life’s unexpected ways, I have found an even greater happiness. The mornings are brighter, even when the sun does not shine. I am overcome at times with feelings that leave me scared of the vulnerability that I feel unable to control. And yet the fears vanish when I find myself in his arms by the fire, the puppy snuggled between us. In those moments, there is no fear. Time stops and the outside world ceases to exist. Warm red wine, the glow of candles and burning embers of dancing fire, my heart leaps and I am lost in pure happiness.