a heavy heart

My heart feels heavy today. My stomach is in knots, holding too much anxiety and fears that are continuously cycling through my head. Though I have been trying to let go of the stress, to rest this body that carries too many obligations and expectations and burdens...though each day I vow to myself to let go a little more, I still find myself physically and emotionally exhausted today.

I have a long night ahead of me, a night for which I do not feel prepared. Some weekends, I feel refreshed and ready for a 12 hour shift, eager for the lengthy drives to emergency rooms, for the solitude of the journey and the possibility of helping lost and discouraged souls upon arrival. Today is not one of those days. Today I want to shed the pager and work clothes, toss on comfy oversized sweats, rent Oscar-nominated movies, and get lost in the warmth of puppy snuggles and naps.

I want to stop the worries that are running full strength through my head. I want to slow down and feel the tense muscles ease into a state of relaxation. I am tired of being haunted by my past, tired of too much time spent analyzing every small action, every thought, allowing every fear to multiply rather than disintegrate. I am worn down from the worries, the stress, that inner voice of criticism that has recently decided to speak up with words of "not enough". I am tired and aching and frustrated.

And there is an ever-present feeling of guilt that accompanies such emotions. Knowing that so many have worries and stresses far beyond the blessings of my own life. Knowing that I should be grateful, and I am grateful, and yet awareness of these blessings is not always enough.

Even this day, these emotions, these fears and anxieties...I am thankful for even these moments. It is all a part of the journey, the infinite path of "becoming". I know that these feelings are necessary for more personal growth to occur. I know that it is only through my own awareness and struggles...through my own pilgrimage...that I may be able to sit with my patients and truly help them to find their own paths of "becoming" and "being".

And yet this knowledge does not negate the feelings themselves. Awareness does not lessen the heavy heart. It only makes it easier to bear in the moment.