just a bad day...

Everyone has bad days. For some, it’s a series of unfortunate events that plagues the day, casting darkness deep within as external factors appear to collapse. For others, it’s merely an attitude, a matter of awaking “on the wrong side”, possibly the result of restless sleep or just not enough hours of peace. And for others, bad days really have no underlying purpose, no instigating cause, no explainable reason. They just happen. They come when least expected and refuse to leave despite the occasional moments of laughter or attempts at lifting the heavy gray fog that has decided, without asking, to descend upon the immediate world of that person.

I had a bad day yesterday. There are multiple reasons I could offer to you, multiple reasons I told myself and those around me in an attempt to justify the sporadic crying spells and overwhelming feelings of emergent stress. A lingering respiratory infection, not enough sleep, too many consecutive hours of paperwork, difficult patients, financial strain….the list could go on. But really the list is just one big excuse, one big attempt at justifying the negative feelings that surfaced within me throughout the day. Most of us have been raised in a society that tells us we must have a reason for everything. No action exists without a cause, no feeling without reason. We’ve been made to believe that we have to justify our feelings in order for them to be valid. In order to feel supported and loved by those around us, we must find a reason and share that reason. Otherwise, we’re just a bunch of crazy people crying and cursing and wandering about with no justifiable reason…God forbid.

The truth is that there are days, bad days, when we don’t know what is really wrong. Yesterday was one of those days for me. I found myself on the phone with my father, his reassurance causing the tears to well. Driving down the interstate, wondering how to bridge the wall of misunderstanding that had been erected between a patient and myself. Lunch, pharmacy, dinner…a slight feeling of panic arising each time I handed over my credit card, knowing that the money is not there right now. Which inevitably led to thoughts of the two years that lay before me, with increasing amounts of debt building, less time for my paid jobs as the internships take more and more time, more and more energy. Then my mind drifting to the three-hour classes that feel unbearable some days, the hours dragging by relentlessly, sleep calling in every open moment despite the insomnia that plagues me at night. It was a vicious cycle of thoughts, unwanted thoughts, the bare bones of reality wreaking havoc upon what otherwise might have been a very pleasant day. There were plenty of good moments. Talking and laughing with a dear friend over lunch in one of our favorite delis. Those treasured words of reassurance from my father who continuously manages to find the positive in every negative event, who refuses to allow the stresses of daily life to disrupt the happiness and beauty he see in the world (and then imparts to me). A brief conversation with a patient that broke down the aforementioned wall, opening a path of understanding, a bridge of compassion and hope. Two hours of side-splitting laughter, trivia, the company of friends, and a glass of my favorite red wine. All of these moments happened yesterday; all of these moments were more than enough reason that I should not have had a “bad day”. Nevertheless, I did. I found myself in the early morning hours, sobbing uncontrollably on the bedroom floor, popping pills, praying for sleep, and wondering why the outpour of emotions felt the need to make themselves apparent yesterday.

The fact of it all is that the bad days will come. But they will also go, replaced by many good days. Some days the stress may feel overwhelming, despite the specific circumstances. Some days we are able to brush aside the stress of the moment and see the beauty that surrounds us. It’s a balancing act, the yin and yang, a coexistence of two opposite forces. And yet, there is beauty even within that polarity. Without the bad, we could never know the good. Without the dark, light would have no meaning. So I had a bad day. Inevitably those days will come again. In the meantime, I think I’ll decide that today is a good day.