life as i know it

"...everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt." -Sylvia Plath

Thursday, January 11, 2007

loving the night

It's late and I should be sleeping. The morning will come early, a workshop/conference in the morning hours followed by an afternoon aimed at marking off multiple items on my to-do list. Then dinner and drinks with a group of girlfriends, a time to catch up on life, share stories of new loves and the grief of loss, complain about our ridiculous lack of free time and the beginnings of another few months of sleep deprivation.

It's late and I should be sleeping. But despite the busy chaos of tomorrow, despite my body's overdue exhaustion, despite it all, I cannot seem to abandon the silence and darkness of the night just yet. I love this time of night, when the world is quiet, when the wind beating upon the window sings its own form of a lullaby. I love the darkness, only the hint of moonlight creeping in through the slightly parted blinds. I love the night. Night is when the thoughts come, the creativity begins to flow, the inspiration emerges from its hiding place.

I love the comfort of my body snuggled beneath a thick comforter, the feel of my sleeping puppy's body against mine. I love the sound of his deep breaths, seeing his pudgy belly rise and fall with a rhythm that lulls me into a world of fantasies and sleepy bliss. I love the comfort and warmth, but I love the darkness most of all. Ironically, the darkness brings a feeling of safety for me. Perhaps it is that the vulnerability vanishes when night descends. I am no longer so visible to the world around me. I no longer feel the pressures to be productive, the expectations to be emotionally stable. It feels safer at night. Safe to laugh out loud alone or cry until the tears will no longer fall. The judgments and perceptions of the world fade and I find an internal freedom that allows the moments to bring what they may. This does not mean that the nights are always peaceful. In fact, it is often in the darkest hours of the night when the tears come, when the panic rises, when the overload of daily emotions washes over me and I succumb to their power. But I find relief even in those moment. Relief at the release, the letting go. In these hours, I can be myself with whatever joys or sorrows accompany me on my journey.

So...it's late and I should be sleeping. But I'm not, not just yet anyways. For right now, for just a few more moments, I'm enjoying the night...the silence and the comfort, the warmth and the darkness. I'm enjoying the release and the freedom to just be in the moment.

6 Comments:

At 10:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm awake in the darkness with you. It is a safe place to be, in its own unique way.... no expectations, emotions free to roam. Thinking of us in separate cities with our sleeping dogs makes me miss you.... wishing we were lounging under your courduroy comforter, just being friends together.... talking or not talking. And I would have your "baby pillow" next to my face. I miss you, sweet friend.

 
At 11:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh tara, i can relate to this post so much more than you know...especially the part to appear productive and "keep it together" during the day...and yes, my creativity sparks in the wee evening hours, too...keep your eye on the summer days...i will make it to atlanta at some point! love, ruby :)

 
At 1:20 PM, Blogger BendingPeak said...

Wonderful update Tara. I am glad to hear that you are making time for friends, and outside stuff. School can be so overwhelming, especially since you are working on top of that.
Hope you have a restful weekend,
Heather

 
At 11:58 PM, Blogger Dusty said...

You have a puppy. You are so lucky to have a puppy and to appreciate the love and comfort that only a doggie can provide.

 
At 11:06 PM, Anonymous Daniel said...

It's late and I should be sleeping. But despite the busy chaos of tomorrow, despite my body's overdue exhaustion, despite it all, I cannot seem to abandon the silence and darkness of the night just yet. I love this time of night, when the world is quiet, when the wind beating upon the window sings its own form of a lullaby. I love the darkness, only the hint of moonlight creeping in through the slightly parted blinds. I love the night. Night is when the thoughts come, the creativity begins to flow, the inspiration emerges from its hiding place


I was looking for a title for a picture I took and came across your page and your lovely description of night, here is the shot; Balancing Rock Moab UT
http://i133.photobucket.com/albums/q45/MajorTom_02/0184.jpg

 
At 11:10 PM, Anonymous Daniel said...

http://s133.photobucket.com/albums/q45/MajorTom_02/?action=view¤t=0184.jpg

 

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