beginning the journey of "Finding Water"

This journey of “Finding Water” has begun at the perfect time for me. After weeks of rising above the sea’s swells momentarily only to be pulled back under by the currents of darkness, I am eager to search for a gentler and more fulfilling body of water.

I woke up yesterday and wrote my morning pages, this being a challenge in itself for me as I struggle in writing longhand. I am not fond of my penmanship and am now determined to find a flow and rhythm in the strokes of the pen, simultaneously relinquishing concerns about the visible appearance of the words as they reach the page. After all, this whole process is about growing more internally, finding the beauty in the external world, and using the integration of internal and external to nurture a creative spirit in hibernation. At least that is what this process is all about for me.

I had intended to do my morning pages today in the very early morning hours. With my alarm set for 5:30 a.m. and intentions to lend a helping hand down at the stables, I was looking forward to a brief time of writing in the dark solitude before dawn. I imagined myself awakening with the alarm, bundling in warm layers against the wintry air, and finding a sense of internal peace in the manual labor of cleaning stalls or moving hay or whatever task needed to be done. I visualized the beauty of the horses’ shining coats, the feel of strength beneath my hand as I rubbed cold noses and spoke softly to these giant, magnificent creatures. I had planned it all out with the best of intentions. But a night of insomnia and stomach pains left me exhausted and still awake at 4:30 this morning, my intentions buried beneath the warm comforter with me until noontime.

So today, I wrote my morning pages in the afternoon. Through the wide windows, I could see the horses out in the field, sun beams bouncing over their silken bodies. The dogs and puppies (all eight of them) were scattered about the front yard, some stretched out and sleeping in patches of sunlight, others tumbling in red earth. I watched as my own puppy walked alongside the wooden fence, a black stallion on the other side. I watched as they walked side by side on opposite sides of the wooden planks, and then as they stopped. I watched the stallion’s head bend down over the barrier, my puppy looking up at him, their faces nuzzled close together. An ineffable moment, impossible to describe its beauty and sweetness in words. As I wrote my morning (afternoon) pages, I watched the bonding rituals of these animals and I found the peace I had previously surrendered in favor of sleep.

This book, this program, and this weekend have stirred a whirlwind of thoughts within me. Determined to maintain this week’s focus on optimism, I allowed myself to embrace the possibilities today, dreaming dreams that I have quelled for too many years now. Allowing myself to imagine the potentials, pushing myself above the tumultuous waves and forcing myself to breathe. A deep, rich, breath of fresh air. Beyond the buoys into open waters, finding beauty in the moments and rejuvenated fragments of hope.

I will challenge myself this week. Beyond the familiarity and beyond the darkness. I am already planning my Artist Date, trying to decide between two options and thinking that perhaps I will allow myself to indulge in both. Motivating for my weekly walk will be more difficult, but I am committed and the walk will happen.

Unfortunately, the responsibilities of daily life still call and I will do what needs to be done. Tonight I will do a bit of work, transcribing, reading, studying. But I will also take a warm bubble bath and snuggle with my love and awaken tomorrow to a new day filled with possibilities and the optimism to continue this journey of “finding water”.