life as i know it

"...everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt." -Sylvia Plath

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Sunday Scribblings..."good-bye"

It was August, 2004. In a small town in rural Georgia, the air weighing heavily upon me with its signature heat and humidity, I found myself in the company of strangers. Strangers with the same last name as myself, a name I had mindlessly taken almost exactly one year before. A moving truck was parked in front of the brown, weathered building where we had once again tried to create a home. Piece by piece, the furniture was removed. The contents of a year’s collection carried out, I watched in silence with no energy left to argue or protest. By afternoon, the condo was nearly empty. There was nothing left to do, nothing left to say. It was a good-bye of fear, of hatred, of disappointment, and of relief. As I stood in an empty room upstairs, the blinds slightly parted, my eyes followed the moving truck as it ambled down the paved road. With caution and determination, it turned left, out of sight. And out of my life.

That was not the only good-bye I said that day. After a year of lies and manipulations, a year of fights and half-hearted reconciliations, the year had ended with threats and violence. Somewhere along the passing of that year, I lost my innocence, my faith, my trust. I lost hope that year and found myself on that heavy August afternoon struggling to determine if my life could be rebuilt in solitude. In an empty bedroom, I made a make-shift bed upon the floor, a pillow and a few blankets graciously left behind. With the blinds shut tight, I lay on that empty floor and the tears flowed as each good-bye washed over me again and again.

The first good-bye, on the first day of February. A good-bye filled with anger and exasperation, a good-bye that sent me fleeing over 300 miles away, necessitating other good-byes that I did not want to say. Then so many days of April and May, in a city far from home, sitting on the rooftop of the old Victorian house in which we lived, the good-byes I said to the world each day as I contemplated jumping to the busy street below. Countless good-byes in the early days of summer when the tears fell with abandon and my heart began to close itself with the realization that there was no piece left to give to this man. And then that fateful day in August, the final good-bye.

As the months and years have passed, I have let go of the anger and hatred embedded in that good-bye. The disappointment lies dormant, the fears still swelling periodically. The innocence can never be rebuilt; the trust still wavers in undulating shadows of a battle that lives on in the depths of my memory. But the faith has been restored, the hope rekindled. As time has passed, I have found peace in that final good-bye. And the realization that it is the moments of solitude that allowed me to rebuild my life and my dreams.

8 Comments:

At 11:58 AM, Blogger Waspgoddess said...

What a powerful story. It had me from the very first sentence. It conveyed both sadness and relief beautifully.

 
At 12:27 PM, Blogger renovating this heart said...

I'm so thankful you had the courage to say that goodbye. The scary experiences have shaped the incredible woman you are today.... the friend who I cherish so much. I'm so thankful you are free. And I'm closing my eyes, thanking God, that He protected you from the final goodbye... the giving up on this life that has tempted you at times in the past.... you have found hope and I have found you, someone from whom my heart never really leaves. I'm keeping you close, sweet friend. And YOU always remind ME to have hope in this life... to not say goodbye and keep saying "Good morning" to each day.

 
At 1:27 PM, Blogger Tammy said...

We can be strengthend in goodbyes to move in a good direction. You made it sweetie! Well written post as usual :)

Much love!

HUGS to Dakota!

 
At 2:54 PM, Blogger Jenni said...

Hi, I'm an occasional lurker on your blog...I was married at 19 and divorced at 23. It was the worst and the best good-bye I've ever had to say. Thank you for your post.

Jenn

 
At 3:43 PM, Blogger Janie Hickok Siess, Esq. said...

Tara, that was so powerful. I had to read it twice, going back to the beginning after I realized what you had said in order to re-absorb the images. You are an excellent writer and obviously a strong person. You are stronger for this experience and will use the knowledge gained in your professional endeavors. Bravo!

 
At 11:17 AM, Blogger gautami tripathy said...

Very powerful. I could feel the emotions pouring forth.

 
At 2:05 AM, Blogger Margie said...

Thanks for your post... Comes aptly at a time when I'm about to say a good-bye... I'm tense in the anticipation of relief.

 
At 9:36 PM, Anonymous GeL(Emerald Eyes) said...

Well-written moving personal journey. Courageous. I'm glad you're in a better place now, from all aspects.

 

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