struggling but keeping the faith

Week 2 of “Finding Water” is underway. Morning pages have been done with enthusiasm every day. I am still considering options for my Artist Date this week, determined to let go of the worries and make the most of whatever the date may offer. The weekly walk is still a struggle for me as I just cannot seem to find the motivation to walk. With so many other options of things to entertain my rare free moments of time, walking just does not find its way to the top of my priority list. If anyone has any suggestions for motivation in this arena, please share!

My moods are still flying around as if a gust of wind has taken hold and their destiny is determined only by the speed and intensity of the moment. I took a much needed mental health day today, skipping class (a major thing in grad school) and spending a couple hours of leisure reading in the warmth of the Southern sun. The pup and I took a short ride about town with windows down and the warmth of an early Spring breeze lightening our moods. Then a late afternoon nap, the pup happy to snuggle with his mommy in the unexpected hours. And finally, the first softball game tonight, my first chance to watch my star slugger in his prime. The field is his home, the diamond his childhood best friend. I’d been waiting on this night, to watch him shine, to watch his face alight with pure happiness and passion, as he stands with bat in hand ready to hit his signature opening home run. Sitting in the stands with the other player’s girlfriends, we enjoyed a couple hours of watching our boys play, their enthusiasm for this sport infectious. We then shared a casual dinner and drinks with a new couple from New Jersey, ending the night with new friends and lots of laughter.

I still have a long week that lies before me and I pray that my current mood of rejuvenation will continue through each day. I’ve planned a few activities for the week in hopes of keeping my head above the waves. The yearly tradition of Tuesday’s girl night at my apartment. Watching American Idol and House, with lots of laughter, talking, and a bottle or two of wine thrown in for added pleasure. A therapy session Thursday morning that is way past due. The possibility of a comedy club outing on Thursday night and then an open weekend with options of more softball games or family time with my sissy and cousin.

It is hard to stay optimistic when I know the depression and anxieties can hit at any moment with no prior warning. Even during the leisure hours of today, I fought the moments of apathy, the moments begging me to return to bed and remain there for the rest of the week. I struggled with moments of restlessness, my mind spinning in relentless circles of random thoughts. But tonight I can sit here, reflecting back on my day and be grateful that the good moments won the battle against the bad. It is enough to leave me with a spirit of hope, an internal peace that welcomes sleep, and the reminder that faith can carry us further than we ever imagined.