life as i know it

"...everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt." -Sylvia Plath

Monday, February 26, 2007

struggling but keeping the faith

Week 2 of “Finding Water” is underway. Morning pages have been done with enthusiasm every day. I am still considering options for my Artist Date this week, determined to let go of the worries and make the most of whatever the date may offer. The weekly walk is still a struggle for me as I just cannot seem to find the motivation to walk. With so many other options of things to entertain my rare free moments of time, walking just does not find its way to the top of my priority list. If anyone has any suggestions for motivation in this arena, please share!

My moods are still flying around as if a gust of wind has taken hold and their destiny is determined only by the speed and intensity of the moment. I took a much needed mental health day today, skipping class (a major thing in grad school) and spending a couple hours of leisure reading in the warmth of the Southern sun. The pup and I took a short ride about town with windows down and the warmth of an early Spring breeze lightening our moods. Then a late afternoon nap, the pup happy to snuggle with his mommy in the unexpected hours. And finally, the first softball game tonight, my first chance to watch my star slugger in his prime. The field is his home, the diamond his childhood best friend. I’d been waiting on this night, to watch him shine, to watch his face alight with pure happiness and passion, as he stands with bat in hand ready to hit his signature opening home run. Sitting in the stands with the other player’s girlfriends, we enjoyed a couple hours of watching our boys play, their enthusiasm for this sport infectious. We then shared a casual dinner and drinks with a new couple from New Jersey, ending the night with new friends and lots of laughter.

I still have a long week that lies before me and I pray that my current mood of rejuvenation will continue through each day. I’ve planned a few activities for the week in hopes of keeping my head above the waves. The yearly tradition of Tuesday’s girl night at my apartment. Watching American Idol and House, with lots of laughter, talking, and a bottle or two of wine thrown in for added pleasure. A therapy session Thursday morning that is way past due. The possibility of a comedy club outing on Thursday night and then an open weekend with options of more softball games or family time with my sissy and cousin.

It is hard to stay optimistic when I know the depression and anxieties can hit at any moment with no prior warning. Even during the leisure hours of today, I fought the moments of apathy, the moments begging me to return to bed and remain there for the rest of the week. I struggled with moments of restlessness, my mind spinning in relentless circles of random thoughts. But tonight I can sit here, reflecting back on my day and be grateful that the good moments won the battle against the bad. It is enough to leave me with a spirit of hope, an internal peace that welcomes sleep, and the reminder that faith can carry us further than we ever imagined.


At 11:06 AM, Blogger Leah said...

i hear ya on the walking. for whatever reason, it's the thing i resist the most also. however, once you get out the door it's all good. i'd say, next time you start to feel those anxieties or sadness creep up on you, grab your shoes and hit the road. i've found that's one of the best ways to turn my mood around. somehow the air and sunshine and movement can completely switch things up for me. (((hugs)))

At 4:18 PM, Blogger Tammy said...

Celebrate the good days to the max and maybe bad ones will stay away. Don't even think about any bad, past or future. Your comments mean so much and you are one of my favorite cheerleaders :) XXOO

Dakota xxoo too!

At 4:45 AM, Blogger The Dream said...

The walking deal is tough for me too. It seems that I have about a thousand other things to do. So, I am setting aside time go Nike on it for Saturday and "Just Do It." I read you, loud and clear, on depression and anxieties ... and faith. I need to remain diligent in taking my mental health temp and take action toward betterness. Faith keeps me strong. Peace, Ei.

At 2:01 PM, Blogger Sophie said...

You have such a beautiful voice and
way with words...

very peaceful actually which fits
your refections...


At 12:12 PM, Anonymous Natasha said...

I can totally relate to your feelings toward depression and anxiety -- but it sounds like you're really reveling in your days, moment by moment, and I think (have found for me) that that's the best way to keep the darkness at bay. I'm glad to see you're doing Finding Water, and look forward to seeing more of your writing about it. :)

At 1:31 PM, Blogger la vie en rose said...

thinking of you...hope your weekend nourishes your soul!


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