life as i know it

"...everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt." -Sylvia Plath

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Beds...endless nights and endless thoughts...

Three straight nights of twelve hour shifts. A body filled with exhaustion, confusion about the day, the time. The inner workings tangled in a web of daylight and glowing moons. The road becomes endless before my strained eyes and I dream of my bed, the plush scarlet comforter, the soft black sheets cooling my overworked skin. My mind drifts to other worlds, other places, other times, anywhere that will keep me engaged until the long road ends. I think back to the bed with the velvety Asian comforter, the one with the old, weathered mattresses, and the nights alone, thinking too much, crying too much, finally finding myself in the comfort of my aloneness. My mind wanders across two states and three condos, into rooms with skylights that made it impossible to nap at two in the afternoon, nights spent lying beside a man. A man with whom I shared a name, a home, a life. A man whom I never truly knew, who gradually taught me of the fragility of trust and love, of the importance, the necessity of finding and loving myself. Of the need to keep myself safe. I think of the aqua and gold satin comforter that covered the bed, and me, in the months when the depression was at its worst. When the medications were leaving my body, slowly, more day by day. When I hid beneath those ugly covers, hoping that the world would stop turning, that the tornadoes ravaging the city outside would take me away in the whirlwind of my own black spiraling tunnel. Days when I sat on the roof of that old Victorian home, pondering what would happen if I jumped into the busy street below. I don’t want to think about those days, all that pain, from which emergence was impossible. I have lived that pain, that hopelessness, and now I think of all the anonymous comforters, adorned with large, bright flowers, or paisley patterns of burgundy and brown. The comforters that held my traveling soul, offering me excitement in foreign lands, beauty unbeknown before the day, the night, the moment. I think of a bed in Santa Fe, an adobe fireplace in the corner, a beautiful night of eating chocolate frosted cookies and drinking shiraz in bed with a soul mate. A bed in New Orleans after a night of drinking and gambling, the romance of the city as intoxicating as the wine that flowed endlessly. My thoughts run wildly as I remember beds in so many cities, in other countries, in exotic or romantic or serene places. As I remember beds shared with childhood friends and best friends and soul mates. Beds shared as new friendships were formed, as new relationships evolved. As I remember the nights of comfort, of passion, of grief, of love. As I climb into my bed in the darkness of tonight, I will keep remembering and I will embrace the comfort of this bed, this night, these moments.

10 Comments:

At 11:00 PM, Blogger Jessie said...

I could almost feel the cool black sheets and your exhaustion in reading this. Actually, I could feel the whole myriad of emotions that this piece travels through. It makes me wish I was more tired. 1 am--but I'm drinking chamomile. ;) You make sleep feel like the tide of the ocean...something to slip into and under.

I get the feeling that you are living fully these days--not necessarily easily, but fully.

sweet dreams.

 
At 7:18 AM, Blogger ruby said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 7:20 AM, Blogger ruby said...

this is beautiful, tara. your descriptions give me goose bumps...

 
At 9:58 AM, Blogger HoBess said...

I have so much admiration for the way, in every post, you find a way to share your past, celebrate the present and look to the future. And I love the way this week's prompt fit in so much with your Poetry Thursday piece ...

 
At 10:05 AM, Blogger baylor said...

It is such a comfort for me to read your words and to have been along on these journey's with you. I love you very much...so proud of you.

xoxo

 
At 10:40 AM, Blogger megg said...

what a wonderful description of the thought processes of a late night drive. All of those feelings made me feel so honoured that you were sharing them here. You are such a beautiful, rare soul. I'm glad that you came out of the other side of those dark feelings and that you are here now to share that soul with us. Hugs to you, my friend. (and I hope you have less 12 hour shifts this week!!!) xoxo

 
At 11:21 AM, Blogger Colorsonmymind said...

You tied so much together in this post-you seemed to travel past and through the grief-I love how you see so much love and hope as well as the very real suffering.

Hope you get some good rest.

XOXO

 
At 7:31 PM, Blogger kerry said...

this is a powerful post for me to read. thank you for your honesty and for sharing your beautiful way with words.

 
At 11:10 AM, Blogger Tammy said...

You have such a talent for painting a picture of your heart with words. You are so talented! Take care of yourself and call me soon :)

 
At 12:36 PM, Blogger renovating this heart said...

awwwwww, td.... love this one.... you've done it again. Given me so much to think about and evoked emotions and memories I had long since forgotten or ignored. Hmmm, and it makes me sad to read of your pain... part of getting to know someone else is learning their story... and no one's story is always pretty... so my heart aches for you, knowing that life has not always been kind to you and you have hurt a lot in the past. I'm sad for that. But I guess I can't be too sad.... without all that pain, you wouldn't be the encouraging, supportive, wise spirit you are today.

 

Post a Comment

<< Home