thoughts
After a very honest, yet hurtful, conversation, I've been left to wonder...
what is the difference between "selfish" and "self-absorbed"? Is there a difference? If so, what exactly is it? How can one be "selfish" but not "self-absorbed" or vice versa?
Though it hurts deeply to consider that these are perhaps personal traits I possess, I have been forced to look inward...
posted by tara dawn @ 10:37 AM
9 Comments:
Tara,
If you were selfish and self-absorbed You wouldn't leave such an encouraging comment on my blog or take time to write me about concerns I have. I think that being self-aware and sensitive can sometimes come off as being self-centered...
I think that there are areas in every persons life that pose as a challenge to being "selfish". But is doesn't overshadow the other wonderful peices that make them who they are.
You are a beautiful soul Tara.
I also think selfish can be essential and good at times.
Self absorbed-I don't see that in you, but hey maybe I am too self absorbed to notice:)
I think if someone calls you selfish- it may be because they aren't getting their own way. If someone calls you self absorbed- they may have trouble communicating or taking care of themselves and expect you to be a mind reader or more than is feasible.
Just my 2 cents.
Sending a big kiss for the feelings that were hurt from this conversation.
I agree with Thea, boundaries are a must, and you must take care of you first or you become useless to those you love. A balance of compassion for others makes it impossible to be self-absorbed. You my love have lots of compassion :)
Love you!
My first reaction to the notion of you being "selfish" or "self-absorbed" is:
Bullshit.
My second reaction matches the first.
Is it ok that I'm just being totally honest here?? Honesty can sometimes be one of my negative traits(please forgive me)!
Something that happens between V. and I is that he sometimes blames me for acting a certain way when the action he's pointing out is really the issues he is facing within himself. In other words, he'll tell me I'm being defensive when, in reality, HE is feeling defensive (just an example). That said, I think I do the same to him more often than I'd like to admit.
I also think that Thea's comment is very insightful.
Selfish?
Self-absorbed?
WTF? I'm more apt to believe that you know what you want from life. You have a purpose and that purpose is to help others. What is selfish about that?
I can't help but wonder if maybe it's just that this person feels a little bit lost, frustrated, and scared. Sometimes we say awful things to the people we care about just to maintain control of a situation or to see someone else more hurt and confused than ourselves--that gives us the upper hand.
Good god, it's possible that I'm talking out of my arse...but I DO know that you are neither of the things you've been accused of. Since I have gotten to know you, I have never seen you give anything less than 100% of your heart.
As for the DIFFERENCE between "selfish" and "self-absorbed"--sure, I suppose there's a slight difference...but either way, I'm not so sure that EITHER apply.
Lots of love to you. Sorry this got so long!
I think we all have to have a good dose of selfishness, not in the way that it malicious or vindictive or hurtful to others, but just that you make you and your dreams, goals, values, and priorities as valuable to you as your health, and its really hard not to compromise on them sometimes, but I think we owe it to ourselves to be a top priority in our own lives, and if that looks 'selfish' or 'wrong' to others, that just may be the case. I do think there is a time to be selfless. I also think self-absorbed is a whole different sort of thing. When I think of those words, I think of someone who cares too much about themselves and not enough about others, their feelings, and the impact they have on others. Theres an imbalance then that doesn't benefit anyone really.
My love, i agree with everyone else here - and actually, i think being 'selfish' is not a bad thing! i could be considered a bit selfish in this period as i am focussing on myself whole-heartedly, on my healing, my dreams, on *me* - but if i don't, who else will? it doesn't mean i am a bitch to my friends, or mean to people in the street :-)
it's human nature to be a bit self-absorbed - afterall, we spend 24 hours a day with ourselves - how could it be any other way? a flippant thought, but quite true i feel...
if someone accused you of these traits, and meant it in a negative way, then it's quite obvious they are really talking about **their** issues and needs and projecting it on to you. you are such a sweet tender soul, T, i hope you haven't taken any unkind comments to heart. we see you, and we know the truth. love to you xx
Adding my agreement to the chorus. I find that I am accused of being selfish when I am not giving in to someone, like TEG for example, or when I am daring to put my own needs first and take care of myself. There is a lot of pressure on women to be self-sacrificing, like it's our natural way of being, instead of something societially sanctioned and expected of us.
Self-absorption is something that cycles in life, I think...sometimes in your life you need to REALLY be watching yourself and aware of what's going on in your life, so you focus on yourself to the possible exclusion of others for a time. This, too, is healthy, I think--and also not culturally sanctioned for women.
I think "self-absorbed" is what people become when they're under a lot of stress, and "selfish" is a more permanent trait. Self-absorbed isn't as bad as selfish. Actually, maybe neither is so bad. Sometimes we have to become self-absorbed to make sure we meet all our various deadlines. And I think everyone has to be a little selfish - we have to know where to draw the line so we are compassionate, but aren't taken advantage of. Anyway, I've never thought you to be selfish or self-absorbed!
oh tara, i know these posts are long ago and you may never read this comment.... but I read about the pain you've experienced not so long past and I'm sad for you. But I also see how far you've come.... the hope that resonates from you now.
And please let me tell you.... even if you do possess traits such as "selfish" or "self-absorbed".... we all do, love. we all have those sides to us that get pricked every now and then... and we all must do a constant inventory of our hearts, looking inward to see what needs repairing or mending. So I will not say you are not those things, because that would be lying.... we ALL are ALL these things, good and bad... and that is what makes you human and loveable.
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