wondering and lost

Some days it seems that we spend our whole lives wondering. Wondering which path to take, which decisions to make, which direction to pursue on our journey through this life. We get so caught up in “right” versus “wrong”, “good” versus “bad” that we end up catapulting ourselves into cyclical tunnels of worried indecision. We let fear hold us back, keep us walking the solid path of familiarity and safety. But all along our walk, we wonder. We wonder what would happen if we chose the thin, tight rope to walk upon instead. We wonder what destinations we might reach should we choose to leap rather than to walk in safety. Walking in safety is a guarantee, or so we believe. We believe it will guarantee us the future we have planned for ourselves, that it will keep us secure and solidly grounded in a world where chaos and the unknown threaten us from each corner of darkness. But walking in safety only truly guarantees one thing…it guarantees that we may never know what could have been. It guarantees that we will one day look back in regret, not at the things we have done, but at all the many things we did not have the courage to choose to do.

Some days it seems like we spend our whole lives lost. Lost among the obstacles that rise up between the steady steps we take. Lost amidst the jigsaw puzzle pieces, constantly searching for the place, the other pieces, into which we fit. We put one foot in front of the other, pretending we know which way to go, trying to hide the tremble in our steps from the world before us. We relentlessly search the map for directions, only to find that there is no legend to help guide our search, no signs to steer us, no highways that lead directly to our sought-after destinations. And then we realize that maybe we are not so sure of even those destinations. We know that we must keep walking, step after step. But we have no idea where it is our path will lead us, or what the journey might offer upon the way.

Some days it feels like we have been wondering forever, that we will continue to wonder for each day that we have left upon this earth. Some days it feels like we are lost beyond the map, beyond translation, beyond hope of ever finding our way home. And many days we find ourselves, lost and wondering…which way is home?