until night falls

It was easier to feel the anger. The anger fueled me, kept the tears at bay, kept the sadness from taking over every ounce of my body. But the anger is no longer here…no longer my confidante, my companion, my ironic solace. I am left with nothing but sadness and doubts, fears and anxiety, question upon question, and an endless stream of tears. Nights are the hardest. When the sun sets and the sky turns shades of midnight blue and then black, when the fireflies can be seen…these are the moments when I feel the pain crushing me over and over again. Waves of pain engulfing me, threatening to swallow me whole. The tears wrack my body until I am left gasping for breath, and yet terrified of breathing, terrified of living without him. This house, once my haven, now haunts me. Each corner breathes of memories. I stumble into a room and find a cup filled with the remnants of sunflower seeds and another piece of my heart breaks. I lay in bed at night, no puppies to warm my feet, no goodnight kiss, no “I love you”, nothing except the emptiness. I pray for sleep, for forgiveness, for guidance, for comfort. I pray until I believe that I am not alone within these walls. I pray until I can catch my breath. I pray until my swollen eyes fall heavy. And then thankfully, at some point, sleep will arrive, bringing the warmth of oblivion until the next morning. And then I awaken, still struggling to breathe, still trying to find my way out of the darkness. All day I stumble and fall, pick myself back up and continue on. Until night falls…