life as i know it

"...everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt." -Sylvia Plath

Monday, January 23, 2006

acknowledging fear - a personal confession

Yesterday I posed a few questions, asking each of you to find the inner courage to explore the depth and breadth of your fears. I gave you a superficial explanation of why my own exploration of these fears is personally so difficult. And I posited that there was no need to share your fears with me, as the discovery of the fears themselves is difficult enough without the additional hardship of opening your soul to others.

How impossible it seems at times to imagine bearing our naked souls, with their most vivid contours of ugliness. And yet that seemingly impossible task is perhaps essential, at least for me. Deep down inside, I know my fears. Not all of them of course, but many that I have continued to deny and suppress in order to feel more comfortable in my own skin. And those of which I am aware, those are the ones that despite my awareness, continue to invade my existence and impede my journey of passion. So I feel compelled to share these fears with you, at least to the capacity of which I am able. My story, my confession, as it may be, will hopefully open the doors a little wider and allow a little more passion to seep into the core of my being.

~Barrier to an International Dream~

The glossy pages of a magazine glare up at me from its opened position on my lap. The story headline captures my eye and my attention quickly becomes focused on the beautified pictures. The face of a celebrity stares back at me, her emotions measured by the slight smile of her full lips and the look of sympathy that escapes from her dark, captivating eyes. But it is not her beauty that paralyzes me. Rather, it is the illustrations of desolation and loneliness in which she has immersed herself that pull so fiercely at my heartstrings. The tiny dark children she holds upon her lap are emaciated from the deprivation of nourishment and nurturance. As I study the images and I read of the millions of children encapsulated in this world of suffering, I catch yet another glimpse of a dream I have long hidden from the world. A dream which I have buried out of fear. A dream which I have relinquished under fear’s imprisoning power. A dream that is not reflected by the publicity and beauty of the celebrity on the page, but is only mirrored by the desire to nurture and nourish these children.
At times, I have gathered the courage to think of the practical logistics involved in my hidden dream. And it is these practicalities that have been confronted on the front lines by fear’s demolition. Fears of the long flights necessary to reach my destinations. Fears of the native diseases that could threaten and perhaps take refuge in my ignorant body. Fears of living in a way of life to which I am not accustomed. Fears of being confronted by the daily images and experiences of death. Fears of mental and emotional collapse beneath my already worn nerves and episodes of darkness.
I am ashamed of these fears. I despise them and want to banish them from the home they have claimed within me. I want to fight them and destroy them and gain strength through my battles with them. But I do not know how to do that. And I know that they are not all completely unreasonable fears. And so the essence of the conflict is not necessarily how to eliminate the fears, but rather to determine if the fears are worth forsaking a dream. And that is an answer that I do not have…not now, not yet.

11 Comments:

At 10:54 PM, Blogger georgiacoast said...

Courage is not the lack of fear but the ability to face it. You are courageous. You will follow your dream in your own time. I know it.....

 
At 7:16 AM, Blogger nrlaumei said...

I think we have the same dream. And many of the same fears. I'd have to add this, though: The fear of leaving all I'd have to leave behind.

 
At 7:21 AM, Blogger Sky said...

Continuing along the lines Jeff shared with yet another Mandela bit of wisdom, "...when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Nelson Mandela

I must say that I am very surprised to read this post. It has never occurred to me that you might have this dream. You've kept it hidden well.

Yes, that differentiation between what is reasonable fear, thus utilizing our brain, and what is unreasonable fear, thus becoming a phobia, is a difficult one at times.

I wish you every personal resource to accomplish every dream you hold dear, and I have faith in you to follow wherever your heart directs you. You are a strong woman - of this I am sure.

I love how you are carrying us along this journey you are making right now. The view is magnificent and propels us to take our own inventory.
x0x0x

 
At 8:00 AM, Blogger Jessie said...

In my experience, the scariest things I've done have been the best parts of my life.

I love that you are willing/able to "confess" not only your fears, but your dreams. Can you imagine how incredible life would be if we actually lived our full potential?!?

I think it's time to do something really, really scary. You make me want to just go ahead and buy my plane ticket to India.

You've got me thinking.

ps.
I noticed your photo in the side-bar--beautiful!

 
At 11:06 AM, Blogger Alex S said...

Thank you so much Tara for your comment on my site! (Marvelous Madness) And now I know about yours. We seem to have a lot in common, beginning with both being therapists. I'm truly so glad to have found your journal. I just read through the first two postings and plan to return later today to read more. Thanks again Tara! Stay in touch!

 
At 1:00 PM, Blogger Dana said...

Knowing you as I do, I would say you are already well on your way of conquering your fears...one highway at time. You are getting there faster than you even know. And I am so proud of you.

xoxo

 
At 6:53 AM, Blogger Somnambulist Seeker said...

Thanks for sharing this. You are clearly approaching a very important "node" of decisions in your life, and I wish you all the "stuff" the universe can provide to help you along your way.

If you're at all like me, a secondary, deeper fear is the fear that you *won't* ever take the steps to realize your dream... which is a whole other thing.

I suspect I'm coming up on one of these myself soon - so I have a some sense of how this feels.

Be at peace. You'll do fine. It sounds like you already are.

 
At 7:34 AM, Blogger meghan said...

Thank you for coming and leaving such a lovely post on my blog. I read your post with a real excitement for you! You are admitting to a real dream out loud. That's a big deal!! You were so brave to talk about it.

You're right, it looks like such a big, scary thing to do. Fears are important to listen to because they are telling you something - each fear is valid - maybe you just need to work through each one and figure out what you need to do to make your dream safer and closer for you. Good luck, keep in touch!

 
At 10:21 AM, Blogger Tammy Brierly said...

These fears are valid so do not be ashamed. Take them one at a time and figure a way to live the dream with minimal fear. Fears are part of us all and can be out smarted. You are so brave to share your dream journey.

I can see you are as beautiful outside as you are inside :)

In my prayer's, love
Tammy

 
At 8:22 PM, Blogger liz elayne lamoreux said...

I appreciate your honesty here and the courage it takes to write about the fears you have inside. And this powerful image of letting a little more passion seep into your core. Beautiful.
Thank you for this much needed inspiration.

 
At 8:02 PM, Blogger daringtowrite said...

What a dream! What a confession! I think the courage it took to recognize and acknowledge these dreams and fears and then to share them with us bodes very well for where your dreams will take you ... or where you will take them.

 

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