update on plans, wishes, and contemplations

It is officially my last week of summer. My free time is rapidly evaporating and by this time next week I will have already immersed myself back into school and my new patients in the mountains. In an attempt to become more aware of how well I follow through with my plans, wishes, and contemplations (and where my devotion tends to lie), I am returning to my previous post…

Plans ~

My plans began on a Saturday morning, the sun barely risen and a short drive to a small town northwest of the city. With the morning paper, a large dose of caffeine, and the sight of my boyfriend’s cute tush in his baseball pants, I settled happily into the stands. Though the heat was horrendous, it was quite an enjoyable day. The sun was high by mid-morning, our group of feisty blondes resorting to sunglasses, sunscreen, and hair pulled carelessly atop our heads. But the heat was no match for our enthusiasm and devotion to our men. We cheered them on through the morning game before seeking an air-conditioned haven for lunch. Between our cheering, we cherished our time of “girl talk”. From marriage and babies to work and sleep deprivation, we exchanged stories about our hopes for our futures. Despite having little in common with the two younger blondes on either side of me, it was a time of fun and laughter and it left me with a greater appreciation for my beloved boyfriend (who apparently is one of very few men that willingly cleans and cooks). It was nightfall before their last game and once again, our spirits soared with pride as we watched our boys win the final championship game. With a late-night dinner, we celebrated the day and then parted ways for much needed showers and sleep.

I had my date with Robin the following Tuesday night. We enjoyed a casual dinner of wine and light dishes of salad, fresh veggies, warm pita, and hummus. As always, our conversation ran the spectrum from excited anticipations to fears, blissful moments of happiness to disappointed sorrows. It was an evening of comfort, a reminder of the true blessing of our friendship. A blessing for which I thank God each day.

My birthday was a fabulous celebration to mark the beginning of a new year. In the spirit of embracing change (i.e. my old-er age), I had seven inches of my hair cut off. I then spent the afternoon lounging by the pool, enjoying my company with the sun and one of Sabrina Ward Harrison’s lovely books. It was a day to feel loved, and the love I felt was vast and filling, warming my heart as deeply as the sun warmed my skin. The evening commenced with a delicious dinner complete with dear friends, delectable food (yes, I had my favorite hummus and sun-dried tomato with broccoli pasta), and a refreshing glass of pinot grigio. By midnight, I was happily tucked into bed, content and thankful for the beauty of the day.

On Thursday we celebrated a monumental birthday with the boyfriend’s mama. Out on the farm, I could feel the internal tensions gradually release (as they always do there). Lots of pup kisses from their six dogs and the sweet affection of his parents. We enjoyed a simple supper while watching little league baseball on the TV, followed by birthday cake and the exchange of gifts. I was reminded of the dear connection I have with his mama and of how well she truly knows me. A new leather-bound journal, boyshort pj’s, and apothecary bottled incense…she is a kindred spirit indeed.

On Friday, the boyfriend and I departed for the mountains of North Georgia. The weekend was brief, not as much time as we would have liked, but the moments were priceless. Our tiny chalet was nestled into the woods, more akin to a rustic treehouse. Though it was a bit cramped with both the pups, the natural charm lulled us to a peaceful sleep. Awakening to the sight of surrounding mountains, we spent Saturday exploring local art, tasting exquisite wines, and playing in waterfalls across the North Carolina border. Reluctant to leave on Sunday, we packed the car, knowing that it will not be long before we return to this haven of Nature.

Tomorrow we will embark on our last adventure of the summer. After a long work shift, it will be a long late-night drive to the southern shores. But no doubt the drive and exhaustion will be well worth the weekend. With nearly all of the family together (a rare occurrence these days), our afternoons will be spent on the beach and our nights enjoying good food and the company of my dear family. The perfect celebration for the end of summer.

Wishes ~

According to my previous list, I have not made as much progress in pursuing my “wishes”. I’d like to believe that this is simply because my “plans” unexpectedly transformed into fulfilled wishes (which is indeed true). However, it is also a reminder that I must devote as much time to those things that fill my soul as I do with those on my “to-do” list. Or perhaps I should just start listing my “wishes” as part of my “to-do” list. Hmm…definitely a thought to consider.

I have indulged myself, to some degree, beyond the birthday celebrations and weekend adventures. I wrote more letters to my precious far-away friends and even managed to mail them in a timely fashion (this time). I read not just two of Sabrina Ward Harrison’s books, but three of them…and they are simply divine! I went to church again. I started a new journal, though it is only words for this one. And the boyfriend and I will most likely enjoy several games of ping-pong this weekend at my parent’s house.

So that leaves me with a few things I’d like to do today during my free time between laundry and packing. I’ll order the pictures for the house. I’ll pull out my jewelry supply box and make at least one fun piece of jewelry to take home to my mama. If my bank account will allow it, I might even pay a visit to the art supply store. The photography date will have to wait for now, as will the visit with my best friend and her baby daughter. But I just might find the time to start a small piece of art for my beloved aunt Sky.

Contemplations ~

So much for the contemplations. Although I did get my hair cut and I am now in the possession of contacts (though I cannot get those damn things in my eyes for the life of me), the rest of my contemplations have seen no fruition. I did get a fabulous new pair of red glasses, which I think should count for something…yes? I have not given a second thought to my dissertation or started any form of yoga. Nor have I made any effort to sort through my closet for Goodwill donations.

BUT…I have enjoyed the past couple of weeks. I have read good books, written letters, celebrated a great birthday, visited the mountains, and above all, experienced an amazing sense of love all around me.

So, the rest will come (or not). The love I have felt is greater than all the plans or wishes or contemplations I could ever have. That love is definitely the greatest feeling in the world!

where the heart is...

“If you want to know where someone’s heart is, look at where they spend their money.” – A.S.

I’ve never been a materialistic person and I cannot imagine myself ever becoming one. Of course I like nice things but I much prefer comfy to posh, down-to-earth to yuppy, and basic to extravagant. My dream car is an old Ford Bronco with a removable top. My dream house is a rustic cabin in the mountains or a quaint cottage near the shore. My dream life consists of me and the man I love making a home together with lots of animals and maybe a few kids, spending my days seeing a few patients, doing lots of writing and artwork, and spending ample time with family and close friends. In summary, love always trumps money in my dream life (and in my real life).

To me, the above stated quote is not about a successful businessman buying his wife a Mercedes for her birthday. It is not about money at all in my mind. Rather, it is about where our hearts truly are and how we choose to prioritize our lives based on what is prominent in our hearts. It is not about the size of our bank accounts, but rather the size of our hearts.

I was blessed to be raised in a family that measured worth by what lay inside of us. I was taught the importance of love and helping others and the difference a simple smile can make when the day is hard and the burden heavy. I was encouraged (and still am) to pursue my dreams, not because they will make me successful in a monetary sense but because they will leave me with a sense of meaning and purpose at the end of the day. My daddy always says “we don’t take money with us when we die”. He is right, of course, but in his statement is much more than just that simple fact. What we carry with us, today, tomorrow, every day of our lives…we carry the precious cargo in our hearts.

I have never known a life of financial abundance. I do not know the feel of shopping without first looking at the price tag. I cannot tell you what it feels like to not have debts. And I do not foresee a future where financial hardships do not periodically arise. But I can tell you what I do know, what I can feel, and what I see a few steps forward on my journey through life.

I have always known a life of spiritual abundance. I have always known the feeling of being loved and the security of unending support and encouragement. I know the strength of family ties and the unconditional stability of “home”. I know that no matter how much debt I owe or how small the number in my bank account, I will never be without a home and more importantly, I will never be without love.

Some days are harder than others. Bills must be paid and there are times when the money is simply not there. But those are the very times that I am reminded that the depths of the heart will always be deeper than even the most overflowing of wallets. Those are the times when I am reminded that the blessings in my life are worth so much more than any amount of money could ever be.

“If you want to know where someone’s heart is, look at where they spend their money”. (A.S.) There are moments in my life that stand out with clarity, moments that embody this statement for me, moments that continue to inspire me and bring tears to my eyes with the memories.

Moments in my childhood when my dear grandmother would sneak me a five-dollar bill from her wallet. She would carefully tuck it into my palm and whisper that she wished she had more to give. Our secret, because my grandfather controlled all the money and she knew if he found out, she would suffer the pains of his rage. And yet despite that knowledge, her heart was bigger than his rage.

Other moments…every Christmas morning when my sister and I would awaken to find a living room filled with gifts from Santa, even in the years when I know “Santa” had no money. Watching my mama buy gifts for children in need and write checks to charities, her small monthly paycheck no comparison for the kindness of her heart.

And moments in recent years…my daddy working three jobs, all for non-profit organizations, his heart always with those less fortunate than ourselves. My daddy doing extra tax returns just so he’d have a little more money to give to my mama and my sister and me…the greatest provider and most loving man I have ever known.

And my sister, only a few months back…I remember her opening our refrigerator to find only condiments and a jug of water. I remember our refrigerator filled with food two hours later, no second thought ever crossing her mind.

I remember a moment on the bathroom floor, sobbing on David’s shoulder about the lack of money. Doctor bills, increasing student loans, and the funds that were just not there. His offer to get a second job…he never knew how much that simple offer meant. And now, when each week seems to bring a new financial burden, a new stress, and still not enough money…he makes sure I eat healthy meals and go to all my doctor’s appointments. And just like my daddy, when he can’t offer money, he offers that which is so much more important…love.

Perhaps it sounds crazy to some, but I am thankful that I have never known a life of financial abundance. Maybe I would still have somehow learned the lessons I now carry with me, but then again, maybe not. And there is nothing that can replace the values and treasures that lie within my heart. I may never have much money, but I’ve got one of the biggest hearts that God ever created. And for that, and those special souls who continue to deepen my heart each day, I am forever blessed.

plans, wishes, & contemplations

It is Wednesday morning and I am feeling a bit groggy. A slight sore throat and the faint beginnings of a headache. But also a sense of gratitude that my pager has not yet made its beep, beep, beep sound, alerting me that I am needed at one of many emergency rooms for a psych assessment.

I finished my diagnostic practicum. AT LAST! Yesterday was my final day and I cannot begin to describe the relief that washed over me as I exited the building for the last time. The contract stating August 15, 2006 through August 15, 2007 has officially been completed. Marking the end of one chapter in my life and the beginning of another. Only three more weeks and I will return to the daily chaos of classes and a new practicum far up in the mountains. Excitement lingers beneath the surface, but with it is the realization that I need to rest and relax as much as possible in these next two weeks. I know the exhaustion that accompanies each September. I know the stress that builds steadily through the autumn months. Because of that knowledge, I also know that I need to nurture myself in these next few weeks. Somewhere between doctor appointments (it’s that time of year for my check-ups) and work, I will find the time to celebrate my birthday, escape for a weekend in the mountains, and make one last trip home before school begins.

In the spirit of nurturing my soul, here is a tentative list of things I would like to do/plan to do (or am contemplating doing) in the next three weeks.

Plans:
1. a birthday dinner with friends and family at California Pizza Kitchen (I’m a sucker for their hummus and sun-dried tomato pasta dish)
2. a romantic weekend in the North Georgia mountains with the boyfriend…complete with the pups, a chalet, hiking, pottery shopping, and some of the most delectable Southern food you can imagine (a big thanks to my beloved aunt Sky for her contribution that has made this possible)
3. joining all the wives/fiancées/girlfriends to cheer on our men at the boyfriend’s softball championship tournament this Saturday…with 10-12 blondes in the stands, we’re hoping to distract the opposing teams…ha!
4. a date with my precious friend Robin…food, pool time, shopping, etc…any time spent with her guarantees good conversation and the best companionship
5. more birthday celebrations, including my best friend and the boyfriend’s mama
6. one more trip to the island before winter for ample family time, Bar-B-Qs, and playing on the beach

Wish List (what I would like to do):
1. go shopping at one of my favorite art supply stores
2. start a piece of art for my Sky (the one she has hanging is nearly 15 years old)
3. write more letters to my sweet far-away friends (sent via snail mail…my favorite)
4. read two more of Sabrina Ward Harrison’s books (sitting patiently on the bookshelf)
5. dig out my old jewelry supply box and make a few more fun necklaces
6. have a ping-pong or air hockey tournament with the boyfriend (dear God, we are addicted to both though neither is readily available)
7. start a new journal including more than just words
8. have a photography date with my dear friend Ginny
9. spend time with my best friend Dee and her adorable daughter (though this is merely wishing due to our conflicting schedules and the geographic distance)
10. go to church this Sunday (last week’s sermon was very inspiring and insightful)
11. ordering pictures of the boyfriend and I, as well as family and friends, and framing them to adorn the walls of our house

Things I am Contemplating:
1. getting my hair cut short (chin length or above)…long hair is easier in the summer but harder in the fall/winter months
2. cleaning out closets and gathering stuff to donate to Goodwill
3. starting a Yoga class
4. switching from glasses to contacts (though this will be determined following my eye exam, dependent on what is best for my worsening eyesight)
5. doing more research on my current dissertation topic (the contemplation being the timing of doing that now vs. later)

A busy few weeks ahead, it seems…but the definite possibility of pampering my soul and nurturing my spirit. Time to get started on my wish list…

lots of rambling but that's ok

So much for my plan to write every day. My blog is proof that yet again, this goal got pushed to the wayside in favor of other obligations and activities. Although I certainly have not written every single day, I must admit that I have written far more than I have posted in recent weeks. I have found myself once again stuck in that rut where I feel that I absolutely must write something worthwhile or else I should just not post anything at all. What is it inside me that propels me toward this mindset? Why is it that I feel I must write something "worthy" and who actually judges what is "worthy" vs "unworthy" anyways? It is time I let go a bit more and allow myself to indulge in the sheer pleasure of writing. It is time that I accept that there does not always have to be a purpose for my writing, or even a particular topic, or even an audience at all. I first began writing many years ago and in the beginning, my writing had nothing to do with anyone but myself. I simply wrote to write, to release whatever was inside of me, to put it out in the universe in some way. I did not feel the need to be the "best" writer or even a "great" writer...I just wrote. It's time I got back to those roots.

I have realized that in all the chaos of my daily life, I have begun to neglect too much of my personal life...the stuff that is all about me. I have not touched a paintbrush all summer and have only done a few minimalist sketches. As noted above, my writing has taken a backseat to other activities. Even my reading materials have leapt from meaningful memoirs and poetry to silly romance novels. Now I am not saying there is anything wrong with reading Nicholas Sparks. I must admit I am a sucker for a good love story. But my new direction in activities this summer has left me feeling a bit empty, and I am certain of the reason.

The older I get, the more life experiences I endure, the more I come to know more about who I truly am on the inside...the real me. Here are but a few of the things I have learned about myself with the passage of time...

I read celeb gossip magazines and romance novels as a means of escape and distraction. Though I do need a healthy dose of them each summer to decompress from the stress of school and work, I also know that this is not the literature that inspires me. The authors/books that do inspire me... the journals of Anais Nin and Sylvia Plath, the poetry of Pablo Neruda, the travel memoirs of Frances Mayes, and the artsy inspirational books of SARK and Sabrina Ward Harrison.

I have a major case of perfectionism that carries over into everything I do. It is why I struggle to find the motivation to clean my house...once I start, it becomes a full-day (or more) process before I am satisfied that it is indeed clean. It is the reason I do not pursue art more...the images in my head never seem to match what appears on the paper or canvas and I end up berating myself for creating a "ridiculous" piece of work. It is why I doubt myself time and time again when writing a paper or a blog or the beginnings of my dissertation.

Connected to my perfectionism is a desire (desperate at times) to please others and gain the approval of others. As strongly as I want to NOT care what others think of me, I am bombarded with periodic moments of panic when I worry that I have not done everything I could have possibly done in a situation. At times, I am overcome with a generalized sense that I am "not enough" or that I am "too much". And it leaves me with the realization that until I can fully accept myself, I will never feel that I am fully accepted by others. ***this is an issue that comes and goes for me***

Beyond all this, there are certain things I know to be true for myself...likes and dislikes, preferences that I have come to realize are my own throughout the years. I love vintage things...clothes, postcards, books...and what I love most about vintage things are the stories I imagine that accompany them. I love leg warmers, especially in the winter but also when blasting the AC in the house during the summer months. I love olives and hummus and just about every vegetable that exists. With an endless supply of vegetables and occasional fish and sushi, I could be perfectly content with never eating another piece of meat (though that has nothing to do with ethics and is solely about my personal taste buds). I love to read out loud, the sound of my voice as each word is formed, experimenting with it and discovering new "favorite" words (usually based on the sound of the word alone). I am extremely sentimental and always prefer the free/cheap but very meaningful gift over anything designer brand. In fact, I cannot fathom spending an excessive amount of money on something simply because of the brand...though I must admit I tend to splurge on actual Pop-Tarts over the generic brands (there are just some things that don't taste the same in generic). I am one of the friendliest people you may ever meet and yet I am also very much of a home-body. I typically dread the occasional outings to loud clubs or parties and nearly always prefer a low-key evening at home with friends. One of my biggest pet peeves in the sound of someone making smacking noises while eating food...this literally grates my nerves to the point that I often have to bite my tongue in order to restrain myself from grabbing their food and slinging it across the room. I cannot stand sitting in traffic for over an hour to get to work and will never be a "city girl" in my heart. Give me the mountains or the beach or the desert...anything where I am immersed in nature and I am happy. When camping, I prefer that there not be public restrooms with showers...part of the joy of camping is bathing in the lake and peeing behind trees. My most prized possessions are my pictures and my books, not necessarily in that order. My two dogs are absolute terrors most days (though they are angels when separated) but that cocked-head, innocent look makes me fall in love with them all over again every single day. I love the feeling of nostalgia, music from many decades ago, sepia photographs, freshly cut grass, the feel of my fingers dancing across piano keys, thunderstorms, and little boy's white wife-beater undershirts from Walmart. I don't like feeling disorganized, insomnia, rude people, or science fiction. I am fascinated by forensics and anything to do with medicine and surgery (other than vomiting), but cannot seem to get even slightly interesting in "Law & Order". And the list could go on...

Excuse the rambling, but as I've promised myself I would just write whatever came to mind, I am going to actually post this and let go of the worries that it has no "purpose". The purpose is internal, even if I am still unsure of what it is.

Until next time...hopefully soon...

blessed simple moments

I am safely back home and it is time to write. Although I am uncertain of what words may come, I know that it is the simple process of writing that I need. And so I write…

…of the sweltering heat of a Southern summer…appreciation of even the slightest breeze brushing whispers of coolness across bare skin…a low, amber moon reminiscent of autumn, rising ever so slowly to a golden globe painted against a canvas of black clouds…returning to work and the pleasure of glimpsing a weary smile on the face of a patient…my precious books…love stories unfolding in reality instead of a TV screen…the warm fur of my pups snuggled against me on the blessedly cool sheets…

These are the moments of my days, the simple moments that create a tapestry of beauty, natural and pure. It is in these dark hours of silence and solitude when the world around me sleeps…it is in these hours that my heart soars with gratitude and my spirit aches to dance in the moonlight.

My thoughts tumble about, but despite my susceptibility for worrying, I feel a strange sense of peace encircling me. Perhaps it is faith. Whatever the reason may be, I am grateful for this respite. The anxiety sits patiently in a darkened corner, not so eager to make its presence known right now. My spirit is light and I can actually feel myself inhaling, tasting the fresh ripeness of the summer air.

…revitalized by the sun…breathe…the delicious taste of summer such a rare delicacy…

I will continue to devour these blessed, simple moments.

tiny reminder of love

I am too tired tonight to write what I consider to be an actual blog. Nevertheless, I feel the need to send some loving thoughts and rejuvenating wishes out into the blog-world. Once I return home, I am setting a goal for myself to once again dedicate some time each day to writing. I am heading home tomorrow night, so we shall see how I do with my new goal. In the meantime, my love to each of you that have touched my heart so dearly in these past few years. Even when my words do not appear for weeks, you are in my heart every day.