Sunday Scribblings....Monsters

Lately, the monsters have been everywhere. Monsters of the past returning to haunt me, monsters in the moment threatening to tear me apart, the fear of monsters lurking just beyond the corner. I’ve even found myself turning into somewhat of a monster, angry and bitter, sick and anxious. The past week has been filled with monsters.

And yet now, I sit here on my new balcony, my first morning in my new home. And the monsters are slowly fading into the background. I have bid farewell to the monsters of my past, a few tears and a motionless wave. The monsters of the present have subsided for this moment, allowing me to luxuriate in the solace of singing birds and chirping crickets, the green foliage before my eyes a welcoming haven to my soul. The monsters of the future are still lurking, but they don’t seem quite as scary today. I do not feel the gut-wrenching pains, the trembling vibrations of a body encompassed in fear. And even I am not such a hideous monster today. Alone for the first time in a week, I find my breathing has slowed, my heartbeat is no longer pounding in my chest, my stomach is no longer leaving me stranded on a bathroom floor.

I am still scared, mostly of the monsters that lie within me. There will always be a trace of fear, but perhaps it is that fear that drives me forward, that keeps me reaching for balance, that urges me to open my eyes and take in the beauty of the world. Yes, the fear is still there, precariously close to the edge. But for now, in this moment, the monsters have disappeared and the fear is washing out to sea.

it is almost time...

The excitement is building, a bit more each day now. The countdown has begun…only 6 more days till my birthday and 10 more till “moving day”. Despite my hectic work schedule, I have been relishing in my free moments. Packing boxes while the rain pounds the skylight above my head, I have found pleasure in wrapping only the most precious of my belongings…the rest have been sent to Goodwill.

And somewhere in the midst of all the chaos, my creative juices have once again begun to flow. I am finding myself encircled by canvas, brushes, acrylics…brush strokes appearing before there is time to contemplate the result. Lost in the meditation of swirling colors together, patterns of novelty appearing on the canvas.

The afternoon showers find me nestled just inside the edge of the garage, where I can keep dry and yet immerse my senses in the brewing storms. With skies darkening and gusts of wind blowing rejuvenation across my bare skin, I find the words flowing freely into my beautiful new journal (a lovely gift from Ruby).

My fears are quieted by the crash of thunder, each raindrop washing clean the slate of anxiety and doubt. The air is still steaming with heat and humidity, but I can feel the refreshing coolness of autumn just around the corner. A new season, a new chapter…it is almost time and I am ready to turn the page.

Sunday Scribbling...who else can i still be?

I remember being a child and being told I could be anything I wanted to be when I “grew up”. Well, now I am all grown up (okay, so only partially grown up) and every day I am faced with choices about who exactly it is that I want to be.

There are so many people I could have been. So many crossroads in my life where had I chosen a different route, my destiny might have been forever changed. I could have been a wife or mother, driving a minivan filled with rambunctious children. I could have been my own demented version of Martha Stewart, spending my mornings baking cakes and my afternoons cleaning the house. But in all reality, that possibility was never very likely. More realistically, I could have been a rebel outcast, adorning myself in leather combat boots and black nail polish. I could have been a rockstar’s girlfriend or a groupie or a wanna-be hippie, smoking cloves as I stood barefoot in a field of daisies. And to be completely honest, I could have been a perpetual patient in a psychiatric hospital. Or I could have been dead.

The truth is that I came pretty damn close to being some of these people. With the exception of Martha Stewart, I dipped my toes in most of these identities, trying them on for size, getting a feel for how it felt to be a wife or a rebel or a psych patient. But the clothes never quite fit. Some were far too big, no way to keep them on. Others were too tight, too suffocating for me to even breathe. And so I abandoned these identities. But in trying on the outfits, I learned more about who it is that I do want to be.

So to answer the question…who else can I still be? I can still be anyone I want to be. The question truly lies more in who that ideal person, that ideal “me”, really is.

I can still be a wife and possibly even a mother, one day, some day, but not today. I can still be barefoot in a field of daisies, only this time I want to feel the sun beat down on my skin and dance in the freedom and beauty of nature. I can be an artist, painting the canvas of my life. I can be a writer, words flowing on a page like honey or wine or rain. I can be a doctor (and God allowing, I will be). I can be a dancer, a singer, a friend, a daughter, a lover. I can be a woman, strong and independent, nurturing and sensitive. I can be a warrior, fighting for what I know in my heart, chasing my dreams past the end of the rainbow. But most of all, the person I can still be is me…the me that it has taken a long, long time to find. I can be the therapist in some moments, the patient in others. I can be the rock or the one who needs the shoulder to cry upon. I can be determined and driven, ambitious and persistent, creative and artistic, open-minded and free-spirited.

Who else can I still be? The world lays before me and the paths are endless…

today was a good day

Today was a good day, a productive day, and a day filled with beams of hope shining through the overcast skies. It felt good to mark things off my to-do list, a feeling that I am finally accomplishing something even in the midst of pain. It felt good to talk to friends on the phone and visit with my sister, to make birthday plans and embrace new friendships. It even felt good to drag my tired butt out at 10 p.m. to go to the movies. And it felt really good at the end of the movie (World Trade Center) to be reminded of the goodness that resides in the human heart.

Life may throw us all some curve balls. The days will inevitably come when no light can be found. The tears will certainly flow freely, but you know…so will the wine. And the laughter and the moments when you open your eyes and find yourself in a world filled with beauty.

Right now, I am grateful for the beauty I was able to see today, and the beauty that I am still feeling in my heart.

the only words i've got...

Each time I sit down to write, the words refuse to appear. The feelings are there, tumbling around in chaotic turmoil, but the words continue to evade me. And so, as I am desperate to write something, I am stealing this meme from Baylor. Until the words can break through the barrier of pain, this is all I’ve got…

GRUB -OLOGY
What is your salad dressing of choice?
Honey Mustard

What is your favorite fast food restaurant?
Arby’s…the chicken salad sandwich is one of my favs

What is your favorite sit down restaurant?
Dante’s Down the Hatch…fondu place in Atlanta, great atmosphere and best food ever!!

On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant?
20% - 25%, unless the waiter/waitress really sucks…then I go with 15%...I’m a waitress so I know what it’s like to get shitty tips:)

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
rice

Name three foods you detest above all others.
there really aren’t many foods that I detest…I’m not a big fan of red meat and I can’t eat any dairy, but other than that, there’s not much I won’t eat…oh yeah, and I HATE anything mint, cinnamon, or cherry flavored

What is your favorite dish to order in a Chinese restaurant?
vegetable lo mein

What are your pizza toppings of choice?
soy cheese (or no cheese), pepperoni, and green olives

What do you like to put on your toast?
I rarely eat toast

What is your favorite type of gum?
if gum is considered food, then this would be one I really dislike…it gives me a headache

BI-OLOGY
What do you consider to be your best physical attribute?
my eyelashes…old ladies are constantly asking me if they’re fake:)

Are you right handed or left handed?
right

Do you like your smile?
yes, mostly because when you see it, you know I am happy

Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
tonsils and adnoids at age 1, wisdom teeth at age 20

Would you like to?
there are many days when I wish I could get a stomach transplant to get rid of the pain…but in reality, I guess I’d like to keep all my body parts for now

Which of your five senses do you think is keenest?
definitely touch

When was the last time you had a cavity?
I probably have one (or more) now…we’ll see at my dentist appointment on Thursday.

Do you have 20/20 vision?
definitely not…but I love my glasses (even though I don’t wear them as much as I should) so it’s all good

What is the heaviest item you lift regularly?
probably my purse…I am known for carrying giant bags filled to the brim with everything anyone could conceivably need while away from the house

Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
no, but came close a couple of times….damn those really clean glass doors

MISC-OLOGY
If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
No…I’d spend way too much time worrying about it and not enough time living

If you could change your first name, what would you change it to?
I like my name, but if I had to change it, I’d change to my Daddy and Granddaddy’s initials and be called CJ

How do you express your artistic side?
I’m currently taking a pottery class, which I absolutely love! Additionally, I write (though not much these past few weeks) and occasionally paint. And is knitting considered artistic? Oh yeah, and making jewelry on occasion…and photography….so I guess a little bit of it all!

What color do you think you look best in?
My Mama has always said I look best in bright colors…but I personally love white.

How long do you think you could last in a medium security prison?
I think God gets us through the best and worst of times…so depends on what He thinks:)

Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake?
Not that I recall, though I’m sure I’ve probably swallowed a couple of bugs over the years…I do live in Georgia.

If we weren't bound by society's conventions, do you have a relative you would make a pass at?absolutely not…I love the family, but that is just a completely different kind of love.

How often do you go to church?
maybe once or twice a year

Have you ever saved someone's life?
I haven’t technically saved someone’s life in the sense of resuscitating someone physically, but I keep suicidal people alive each time I work.

Has someone ever saved yours?
There are certainly a few people in this world that have saved mine…during the worst of moments, I would not have survived without them.

DARE-OLOGY
For this last section, if you would do it for less or more money, indicate how much.

Would you walk naked for a half mile down a public street for $100,000?
Absolutely, I am not modest and I am really poor!

Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100?
sure…see above, I am

Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000?
These questions are coming at a really poor time in my life…but I’d have to think about this one some more.

Would you never blog again for $50,000?
Yes, but then all of you would be getting endless letters in the mail on a daily basis…that could get time-consuming.

Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000?
I’m not modest and don’t really care who sees me naked, but I think my parents and grandparents would have a heart attack…and I love them too much, so no.

Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
No…I draw the line at accepting money for puking. If I can prevent myself from vomiting, you can bet your hiney I will go to any measure.

Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000?
100% NO…there is no amount of money that could convince me to kill someone

Would you shave your head and get your entire body waxed for $5,000?
probably not…well I would definitely get my whole body waxed…I would do that for much less…I hate body hair…but shaving my head is another story…give me more money and then I’d consider shaving the head and buying lots of fun scarves

Would you give up watching television for a year for $25,000?
That would be really difficult…can I still watch DVDs? If so, then yes.

moving on...

My life has hit a transition point. A new chapter is about to begin, the pages still stiff beneath my fingertips, the smell of newness still lingering. I look around me and try to imagine saying goodbye, closing this door, and walking away with my head up and eyes open. Some moments it is easier to imagine than others. Some moments I can picture myself turning this corner with ease and confidence. Other moments…sadness and fear win the battle, and my eyes are too clouded by the tears to see the path lying before me.

The papers were signed yesterday, the date marked on the calendar. The purging of my belongings shall continue. Setting free many of my beloved books out into this world, I only hope that they will find homes with people that will cherish them as much as I have. Downsizing the closet is less emotional, lavender pants and peach gauzy shirts easily given to those in need. A few pieces of furniture I had hoped to sell, one potential buyer to contact. The boxes are already being assembled and packed, cautiously this time. But there is also a determination deep within me.

Fueled by the stabs of childish games, my determination strengthens, my confidence in my decisions rises, and my eyes are no longer quite as clouded. No doubt the clouds will return, but for now the sky is clear. Even with the heaviness of my heart, I am finding the energy to keep my head up and my eyes open. Even though I still feel the pangs of wretched sadness biting into my core, I am alive and I am hopeful. And now, I am off to do some more packing…