life as i know it

"...everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt." -Sylvia Plath

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Sunday Scribblings....Monsters

Lately, the monsters have been everywhere. Monsters of the past returning to haunt me, monsters in the moment threatening to tear me apart, the fear of monsters lurking just beyond the corner. I’ve even found myself turning into somewhat of a monster, angry and bitter, sick and anxious. The past week has been filled with monsters.

And yet now, I sit here on my new balcony, my first morning in my new home. And the monsters are slowly fading into the background. I have bid farewell to the monsters of my past, a few tears and a motionless wave. The monsters of the present have subsided for this moment, allowing me to luxuriate in the solace of singing birds and chirping crickets, the green foliage before my eyes a welcoming haven to my soul. The monsters of the future are still lurking, but they don’t seem quite as scary today. I do not feel the gut-wrenching pains, the trembling vibrations of a body encompassed in fear. And even I am not such a hideous monster today. Alone for the first time in a week, I find my breathing has slowed, my heartbeat is no longer pounding in my chest, my stomach is no longer leaving me stranded on a bathroom floor.

I am still scared, mostly of the monsters that lie within me. There will always be a trace of fear, but perhaps it is that fear that drives me forward, that keeps me reaching for balance, that urges me to open my eyes and take in the beauty of the world. Yes, the fear is still there, precariously close to the edge. But for now, in this moment, the monsters have disappeared and the fear is washing out to sea.

17 Comments:

At 7:21 AM, Blogger DJPare said...

Nice conveyed feeling and congrats on your first morning!!

 
At 7:24 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tara, I am glad you are better today. Your Dad will always love you and try to always show you that the cup is half full. There is always beauty on this earth and always try to help others. In helping others you help yourself.

 
At 9:36 AM, Anonymous beansprout said...

Hey Sweet One! Glad you have found a haven where you can just be for awhile. Keep breathing and listening and becoming. Be well.

 
At 11:09 AM, Blogger Mardougrrl said...

I am glad that you've found a space to rest and breathe...you've had a rough time of it lately.

I am rooting for you, dearest. xoxo

 
At 3:05 PM, Blogger Chelle Y. said...

Good luck on your new home and on keeping those "monsters" at bay.

 
At 4:06 PM, Blogger rachel said...

And when that happens the relief and exhilaration are amazing aren't they. Hope the move went well, and good luck in your new home

 
At 8:10 PM, Blogger Sky said...

Since we last talked much has happened. I am so glad to hear you are moving through the pain and darkness and into the healing sunlight and nature's gifts. As you know I listen each day to the birds chirping, watch the squirrels play, see the hummingbirds flutter their wings near the butterflies, both hungry for the same nectar. I am infused with great energy from these scenes of nature; I laugh aloud while watching my personal movie; I examine, investigate, and celebrate. It is all magic. You are now in a place, physically and emotionally, where you can sing nature's refrain...let it replace your fear and open you to what matters and deserves notice. The opportunity to explore the state of being alone is such a gift and will bring you such a reservoir of comfort in the end. Use it to enhance your life and comfort level. :) x0x0x

 
At 10:13 PM, Anonymous jeannette* said...

Oh Tara, I am hoping your inner monsters continue to dissolve and fade under that amazing strength of yours. You are in my thoughts and prayers sweet girl.

 
At 5:24 PM, Blogger Jessie said...

I've been thinking about you a lot lately and I'm glad to hear that you've made it into your new place. I imagine that the newness of your porch is a wonderful thing. Enjoy it my dear. Hell, REVEL in it! The birds are singing a song just for you. ;)

I'm wishing you lots of happiness today and always. Sleep well and rest up from all the hard work you've done.

LOTS o' love!
j.

 
At 10:18 PM, Blogger ruby said...

so glad that the clouds are parting and allowing a little sunshine and hope to seep through...

 
At 10:57 PM, Blogger Keith said...

There's a poster I've kept on my wall since I was about 16. It says, "Don't let your fears stand in the way of your dreams." Just like conquering the monsters under our beds when we were children, defeating the monsters of adulthood only make us stronger. But, never forget, not all monsters have to be fought alone. Just like in a co-op game, friends fight alongside and help heal us. :)

 
At 9:51 AM, Blogger Tammy said...

I'm back from wedding chaos and was happy to see you settled and feeling better. On to greener pastures :)

XXOO

 
At 6:56 PM, Blogger Colorsonmymind said...

I am so happy you are in your new place-that your finding your center and waving goodbye to your monsters.

Love to you baby doll

 
At 8:40 PM, Blogger kerry said...

i love what you wrote in this post... i too fear the monsters inside of me, and i too sometimes feel like a monster myself. it was beautiful the way you said at the end that maybe it was the fear of them that urges you to open up to the beauty of the world. i love that thought. thank you for putting this in my heart.

 
At 1:00 PM, Blogger megg said...

oh sweet heart, I BELIEVE in you and your bravery! Those monsters are definitely fading into the background of the world that is opening up to you - beauty and being well - you are going to be great! LOVE love lOvE to you!

 
At 4:40 AM, Blogger GoGo said...

Hey There,

Am checking in and reading it all. I enjoy coming here and seeing what you're up to. I find my home is a great place to shed lights on monsters...a safe home I create seems to shed a better light on them. When you wrote about being on the balcony, I just knew you were channeling something new in the fold. Good luck!

As always, I really appreciate your candidness of self.

 
At 4:40 AM, Blogger GoGo said...

P.S. Tell us more about the new move!

 

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