"Destination"...embrace the journey

Destination…this journey that knows no end, no definitive stopping point, no moment of epiphany when all our steps lead us to one final place. It is the journey, not the destination…quotes reminding me of this philosophy have graced my heart and guided my spirit for the past several years. So long I spent looking forward, ahead, to the future, to where I wanted to eventually land. Then, a few years ago, I took a step back. I often found my days filled with misery, the struggle to get through daily tasks, the doubts that haunted my entire conception of what I had deemed to be “following my dreams”. When I stepped back, I realized that my focus was solely on the destination. There was always a goal, always an end point, always a place to which I strived to reach. And though strivings and goals are not inherently a bad thing, they had encompassed my life to a point where I found myself looking back along my path and wondering where had the actual journey gone? What happened to all those steps along the way? Did I jump from one stepping stone to the next, bypassing the warmth of prickly green grass that lay between the stones? Did I jump so high and run so fast that the beauty of the world around me had literally become blinded by my own determination? I realized one day that if I continued to live in that manner, I would surely reach my destination, but then what? What would happen once the end point was found? What would happen when I decided that my dreams had been fulfilled, that my obligations had been endured? What would happen when I awoke one day to find myself having completed all those goals and strivings? The world would suddenly become empty unless I set about finding new goals and new strivings. It was destined to a be a life of destinations, and not a life I wanted to live.

And so I made a very conscious decision, and one that I must remind myself of these days as well. I decided to stop looking ahead so much, to stop focusing on the end point, on where I eventually wanted to be. Realizing that life is short, that sometimes that eventual ending place may never be given the chance to be reached. Realizing that if I continued living a life of destinations, I was sure to miss the beauty and excitement of the journey. My life is still chaotic, still overflowing with goals and strivings. But the destinations are no longer the essence of my life. I no longer wake with anticipation of reaching a final stopping point or achieving a particular goal. I awaken to new days, days as white and untouched as a blank canvas. I awaken and realize that the canvas of my day can be painted with whatever colors I choose, the design yet to be determined. I am still walking a path to “fulfill my dreams”. I still think of the future and find myself dreaming of the days when certain obligations have been endured and certain dreams fulfilled. But I also know that life is simply and truthfully one long journey to be filled with multiple dreams, the strivings of our lives a daily adventure rather than a step-by-step guide to reach a destination.

When we stay focused on the “destination”, we miss the “journey”. We miss all those tiny moments that make life worth living. We miss feeling the sun’s rays warming our bare skin or the feel of grass tickling the tender soles of our bare feet. We miss the beauty of seeing the autumn leaves change from green to gold to red. We miss the quiet and solitude that accompanies winter, the hibernation and warming of our souls in the midst of icy nights. And we most certainly miss catching sight of the first firefly of the season and the first budding flower dancing in the breeze. In losing the journey, we lose beauty. We lose experience. We lose the essence of life.

As yet another year comes to its end, we all find ourselves looking ahead to the future. Anticipating what a new year will bring, setting goals for ourselves, personal strivings which we hope to reach in the coming days and months. In a very literal sense, we are all focused on the destinations. In the journeys that we are laying out before our very own feet, may we each be reminded that it is the steps of our journeys, the process of walking our paths…this is the true essence of a life well lived.

Happy New Year to all and may each of you find yourselves enjoying the journey!!

a new path...

Once again, I have found my creativity pushed to the wayside. Between finishing yet another semester of doctoral school, working three jobs, and the chaos of the holidays, I have left myself no time to write or paint or create. Or perhaps that is merely the excuse I have been using to justify my lack of creative manifestations. Somewhere deep inside, I know that the time can be made. The time can be found; I have found it before.

And so I am left to wonder why I have chosen to not allow myself the time for my creativity to emerge. So much has been happening in my life; so much that I could have found the words to illuminate. Maybe the words are ready now; maybe now I have found the time to tell you about my life these days.

A 12 week old puppy has found his way into my home, and my heart. For the past few weeks, I’ve been learning to be a mommy to my precious pup. Even now, as I sit here writing, I look to my right and find myself mesmerized by the beauty of his chocolate coat, the white sprinkles that grace the tips of his paws, the sleepy eyes that struggle to stay open as he bathes his new orange dinosaur in kisses and love bites. I see his little (actually not so little) body stretched out across the floor and fall in love with him a little more each time I watch his ears dance upward at the sound of my voice. Falling asleep at night, he insists on laying his soft face against mine and his warm, pudgy body brings a smile to my face even as I throw on furry boots and a thick sweatshirt to take him outside in the early morning hours. He is the newest man in my life, but not the only one.

After a strange coincidental introduction several weeks ago, I met the other new man in my life. A Sunday night spent at a hole-in-the-wall bar, conversation flowing and smiles that left brilliant sparkles lighting up my eyes. Such a simple night, but the beginning of an amazing journey. It is only the beginning and I do not know where the path may lead. What I do know is the skipping of my heart each time I hear his voice, the butterflies that flutter relentlessly when he lifts me off my feet and encircles my body in strong arms of comfort. I know the sheer pleasure of my hand wrapped in his as we wander down grocery store isles or lamp-lit streets under ebony skies. I know the peace that settles in my heart when he holds my face in his hands and kisses me gently on the forehead. Though I may not know what the future will bring, I do know the comfort of lounging in pajamas with his mama, talking about life and love and sharing stories that leave me wanting to keep lounging all weekend. I know the joy that lifts my spirit as I watch him playing ball with my pup and the sweetness of walking in a room to find him napping with my puppy’s head nestled in the arch of his neck. I know the laughter that leaves us breathless and the sincerity that leaves us awestruck.

There is so much that I do not know yet, but so much that I learn each day. In the past many months, I found happiness in solitude. I found joy in moments of silence, laughter in the company of friends, comfort in my spirituality. I was walking my own path before either of these men entered my life. But in life’s unexpected ways, I have found an even greater happiness. The mornings are brighter, even when the sun does not shine. I am overcome at times with feelings that leave me scared of the vulnerability that I feel unable to control. And yet the fears vanish when I find myself in his arms by the fire, the puppy snuggled between us. In those moments, there is no fear. Time stops and the outside world ceases to exist. Warm red wine, the glow of candles and burning embers of dancing fire, my heart leaps and I am lost in pure happiness.

"just one of those friendships"

So strange to think that we only truly met in person for the first time on Thursday night. So weird when I remember that this friendship started with blogs and emails and text messages and phone calls. So unbelievable when I turn my head and see this beautiful woman sitting next to me, knowing that this friendship existed within our hearts long before we ever met.

It was like a scene from a movie at the airport. The reuniting of long-lost sisters, best friends, separated at too early of an age to remember. Connecting the voice, the face, the favorite soft blue jacket lighting up amidst the darkness of a bitterly cold southern night. Squealing and laughing and literally jumping in circles. Impossible to get enough hugs and then stepping back for brief moments to look, to remind ourselves that the surrealism was indeed reality. Driving off toward our first night of bonding in person, her hand naturally on my arm, my giddiness resulting in missed turns on freeways and our ramblings overflowing into one synchronized fiesta of sounds.

Time stopped that first night. The world and all our worries ceased to exist. Snuggled on the couch, we caught up on twenty-something years of experiences, memories, fears, revelations. Like kids on Christmas Eve, sleep was not an option. Giddiness, giggling, an abundance of excitement. Only when our eyes fell too heavy and our bodies were burrowed warmly in thick red corduroy did we finally fall asleep.

Friday morning brought more amazement. Lots of lists and endless chatterings. Reminders of “I love you” and “this is real”. Stuck in traffic with songs to make us laugh and cry. Skeins of yarn, soft textures, and the exchange of crocheting and knitting. Daylight faded, deep secrets found a voice of courage, and we found comfort in the mere presence of one another. Then more laughter as we sang along with Martina’s Christmas songs and decorated the tree with childhood ornaments and endless strings of beads. Posing in front of the tree for our first holiday photo, crazy hair in both directions, but the purity of our smiles captured it all…the happiness, the comfort, the relief, the faith. The eternal capturing of a moment when life was not too much or not enough…it was all it was and just enough.

Saturday morning brought sunlight too bright for our tired eyes and pleadings for more sleep. Then a long day of car rides and music and the company of good friends. Cuddling snuggly puppies that needed homes and love. Bathing the precious bundles of joy with hugs, one shelter to another to another. Giving so much love to those abandoned babies until our hearts felts as if they would literally burst. Then a night of too many tears and sadness and the brave verbalizations of pain. After the tears had dried, the laughter returned. The stresses made easier with more lists and dedications, the reminders of another visit soon, soon, soon. As our last night together came to a close in the early morning hours, I could feel the anxiety rush in as I searched for sleep. My heart literally ached, pounding with dread. Then I turned my head to the right, closed my eyes, listened to the soft, peaceful breaths of my dear friend, and I knew that this was only the beginning.

Three days and three nights, but it has been filled with forever life-altering moments. If I close my eyes now, I can still see her smile lighting up the room, her bright blue eyes twinkling as our laughter erases the pains of life, if only for a moment. If I close my eyes, I can still feel her hand on my arm. I can still hear her angelic voice finding newfound courage. I still hear “I love you”. And I know this is just “one of those friendships”.

the most beautiful miracle

Tuesday, November 28, 2006. 11:10 a.m. It was a moment that forever changed my life, and most definitely changed the lives of many others. At this exact moment, a precious baby girl was born, 29 days early, tiny but perfectly formed. On an unexpected morning at an unexpected time, God brought this beautiful miracle into our world, to grace our lives, to fill us with faith and hope and more gratitude than ever imagined.

I cannot form the words to explain what it feels to be in the presence of a miracle. To witness God’s grace and divine work in such a personal way. To hold this perfect baby girl in my arms and know that there is no explanation other than God.

I cannot form the words to describe how deeply a heart can be touched by the birth of a child. I cannot describe the feeling of falling in love with a beautiful little girl in the first hours of her life. I cannot tell you the pride that swells as you watch your best friend, her newborn daughter feeding from the breast of sustenance. Or how it feels to catch a glimpse of a beautiful mama admiring the sleeping child resting against her skin. I cannot begin to explain the mesmerism of not being able to take your eyes away from the exquisite perfection of this beautiful baby girl.

I wish I could find the words to describe these moments, these experiences, these feelings…but no words can do justice to the past few days. All I can say is that my heart is overflowing with love. I am so blessed and so very thankful for my best friend, for her husband, and now for their daughter.

It was six years ago that I met my best friend. From the first night and our first conversation, we became friends. As the months passed, friends became best friends and then best friends became soul mates and then soul mates became family. When she married her husband nearly five years ago, I opened my heart to him and he also became family to me. Four days ago, God gave them this beautiful miracle, and in that moment, I opened my heart even wider and this precious baby girl became my family as well.

Though I cannot find the words to tell you how incredible this whole experience has been or the excitement I feel at watching this baby girl grow more and more each day, I can tell you the promises I have made to my best friend, to her husband, and to their daughter. Promises to love this sweet girl every day of her life, to make sure that she knows how deeply and unconditionally she is loved. And promises that this little family, a part of my family, will live in my heart with every step taken on this journey of life.

Welcome to the world, baby girl! Your Auntie Tara loves you more than words can say!!