a return to happiness

Laughter and smiles returned this weekend. Hope, motivation, feelings of accomplishment and appreciation…they all shed the blankets of darkness and welcomed me back with open arms. After too many weeks filled with sadness, I barely recognized the sound of my own laughter and the smile I found in my reflection. With the arrival of Spring, I finally felt the rebirth, the rejuvenation, the beginnings of hope and happiness blooming once again.

I spent last night with my best friend. The circumstances that allowed us to share this time together were not optimal, but the moments we embraced were the greatest gift. Hugs and kisses and recounting stories filled with hilarity and nostalgia, an acceptance of our place in the world now and an appreciation for the roads that have led us here. A precious reminder that the bond we share can never be broken, that it bridges all pain and withstands the darkest days. A beautiful reminder of the true treasure of our friendship.

Her baby daughter is growing so fast and I find myself entranced just watching her. Her tiny legs kicking the air, the signature dimples that shine just like her mama’s when she smiles, the feel of her soft baby skin as I rub her belly and kiss her tiny toes. Watching her sleep against her mama’s chest, my heart fills with pride for my best friend, such an incredible woman and mother. I bathe them both with kisses and there are not enough “I love you’s” to express the fullness in my heart when I am with them.

An unexpected phone call this afternoon and the sun suddenly began to shine even brighter. After a week consumed by devastating surgery, excruciating pain, and a continuous battle of trudging through the most cumbersome valleys, my dear friend has set forth on his road of recovery. It was the first time I have heard his voice since before the surgery and just the familiar sound of words coming from his mouth brought a overwhelming surge of relief and comfort. The road will be long and certainly not easy, but he is already putting one foot in front of the other, taking one step at a time, and beginning to embrace the journey that lies before him. How proud I am of him and how incredibly grateful!

Tonight was spent in the company of David, my best friend, her husband and their daughter. Much more laughter, cuddling, joking, and bonding. The boys were talking like old buddies before long and the conversations flowed until well past the time we should have all said goodnight. After many months, this was the first chance for David to meet my best friend and sharing those few hours in the company of them both was a greater joy than I could have ever imagined. The simplicity of sitting around talking as the boys drank beer and Auntie Tara changed her first diaper…what pleasure found in those simple moments and the realization that we have definitely “grown up” but can still embrace the craziness and quirkiness that defines our individual characters.

I am smiling even as I sit here alone, writing these words. There really is no way to express how much the moments and experiences of this weekend have awakened my slumbering spirit. How full of life I have felt in the past two days…and how much more I have come to appreciate these times now!

Life is short and so incredibly difficult at times. The future of each of us is uncertain and unknown. The tragedies that confront us so forcefully with this awareness are sobering. But they are also the experiences that make us ever more grateful for the simple moments when life is filled with love and happiness and laughter.

the road is a gift

The black sky blankets me as I sit behind this house, writing words that are emerging from an unknown place. The scattered stars visible at this distance from the city take me back to another house, another year, other words. Sitting in the darkness, the words pouring forth feelings that could not be spoken. The chill of the night air is greater here, now, tonight. The stars are fewer despite the greater distance; the map of constellations appears as a maze rather than the map of my future I once imagined when I looked up into the patterns of tiny, white sparkles.

Today was one of the longest days I can remember. Barely any sleep last night, the thoughts flying wildly about my head, my body restless, unable to find comfort in the solitude and silence. All day has been an excruciating process of waiting. Waiting for news, for knowledge, for reassurance, for anything. Images flashing through my head. The reality of today haunting me in brief, recurring, time intervals. Nostalgia returning me to a time when events like these were never imagined. Back to days in the mountains, laughter, the unspoken words carried between eyes, souls, that knew without sound. Back to nights when promises were whispered, warmth and the comfort of the deepest type of familiarity. Back even to a conversation only a few nights ago. Of lasting friendship, eternal love, gratefulness for an indestructible bond. Fears alluded to but never directly spoken. Tears falling on each end of a phone line, needing words now to bridge the gap where two souls once met in silence.

It is late now and the waiting has come to an end. The news is good, so far. The operating room his haven today, the surgeons his heros. His mom said he was in good spirits when they took him back at 6 a.m. this morning, his vibrant soul and witty banter a shield of protection from fear. By late afternoon, he was still in surgery, but beyond the critical stage, so they said. From the operating room to recovery and then to the ICU, where he now lays, resting peacefully I hope. My thoughts remain with him, wishing I was there to tell him how proud I am of him. But my thoughts, my words, will have to wait a little while longer.

An afternoon call from his mom, followed by another from his girlfriend. Then this last late-night call, again from his mom. My heart skipped too many beats when the phone rang and I saw her name appear on the screen. Hands shaking uncontrollably, praying as I answered, but even the relief and gratitude has brought a flood of tears. A greater realization of “what might have been”.

So much of my life I shared with this man. It is no longer my place to sit by his side day and night, but the bond we have will last a lifetime. I have seen the happiness he has found; he has seen my own happiness. Sharing our separate happiness with one another has only brought greater joy to the both of us. But it is hard to explain, hard to describe to others who do not understand.

And so I sit here tonight, alone with my thoughts, the feelings finally rising to the surface, my attempts to keep them buried no longer an option. In whatever context it may be, this man became a part of my “family” and his place in my heart will remain for the rest of time. He has a long road ahead of him. A road that may be treacherous and frustrating, disheartening and discouraging. But he has a road, wherever it may lead. For that, I am so thankful. And I find comfort in the reassurance that he knows he will never have to walk that road alone.

no time for words...sorry for the pity party

There is little time to write these days. Little time to do anything other than pack up belongings, get to doctor appointments, and try my best to make it to school and work when possible.

The past few weeks have been some of the most challenging I have ever experienced. Forcing me to confront issues I would rather avoid. Dealing with unexpected catastrophes and trying to find solutions that seem impossible to find. Worried on a moment-to-moment basis about the future of those around me, and my own future as well.

At the moment, I am in the process of packing up my apartment. After it flooded at the beginning of last week, I spent the past week living in a motel, unable to assess the damages to my belongings, unable to do anything other than wait for the massive amounts of water to be excavated and to hear whether I would be able to return to living in this comfortable little apartment in the city. By the weekend, my patience had waned, thinned to a breaking point and so the weekend was spent house hunting, having decided I could not sit around waiting any longer, my entire life hanging in limbo.

Approximately 60 houses in 2 days...constant phone calls, emails, driving down random streets in search of "For Rent" signs, peeking in windows, appointments with realtors. Then yesterday, finally able to come back into my apartment only to find all my furniture crammed into my bedroom (the one room not damaged) and piled on the balcony. I signed the papers to terminate my lease last night, began packing with the much appreciated help of my "moving crew", and started filling my sister's garage with furniture and baskets of knick-knacks and suitcases of clothes. I will live there for the next two weeks and then move into the precious house I found in a neighborhood only two miles from my sissy and only 40 minutes from the mountains. It will be great once I get there, but stressful and exhausting at this moment.

I have been frustrated beyond words, sad beyond words, terrified on a daily basis, and battling some of the worst depression and anxiety I've experienced since the early days of adolescence.

My heart still breaks for my best friend each day, hearing her voice across too many miles and wanting nothing more than to just leave this city and go snuggle with her and her baby daughter. To bring her even a moment of comfort or laughter. Even through her tormenting grief, she continues to be my rock and my angel..."the flower in my otherwise dead garden".

I received a call yesterday informing me that my ex, still a very dear friend, is now in the hospital awaiting brain surgery. Organs not properly functioning and bleeding in his brain...another waiting game, more constant prayers. Speaking with his mom today and reminding them all that I am here and I love them.

And my own doctor's appointments...a mammagram on Friday, a pelvic ultrasound next week to determine whether they will take an ovary out. It has all proved to be too much...school and work have been put on hold as much as possible in order to get my life, and myself, stabilized again.

No time for more words at the moment. Just a sincere pleading with any of you who read this...please say prayers for my best friend and her heartwrenching grief, for my ex and his deteriortating body and dampened spirit, and for my sister, cousin, and our boyfriends who have been my organization and stability through the entire flooding/motel living/moving process.

And if there is extra room for prayers, please say an enormous prayer of gratitude for the wonderful, loving, supportive people that keep my spirits up and my hopes alive. My parents, David, my best friend, my other dear friends, and my sweet sister and cousin. I could never make it through these days, or this life, without them.

in honor of her inspiring spirit

The past several days have been filled with so much sadness, tears that return again and again, a mass of grieving that has consumed the hearts of so many people across the city, the state, the nation. Life has continued for all of us still living here on this earth, and yet it has been tainted with an incomprehensible knowledge that this young woman...this daughter, sister, fiancee, friend, teacher, community leader...is no longer living this life with us. So many questions, unable to understand and yet knowing that it is not our place to understand. God has a plan for each of us and for a reason unknown to us, God needed this beautiful young woman to return to Him and join the realms of angels.

I cannot tell you the pain of losing a best friend or losing your child. I cannot tell you the pain and confusion and heartbreak of going to school as a small child and learning that your "favorite" teacher will never be coming back, that she has gone to be with God in Heaven. (And she was the "favorite" to them all.) I cannot tell you the unfathomable, heartwrenching emptiness felt upon losing the one true love of your life, the person with whom you had planned a future and intended to spend "forever". I cannot tell you these feelings because these feelings are not mine.
But I can tell you the intense sadness at watching all of these people feel these devastating emotions. These are the words I have read in all the memorials, the tears I have seen on the faces of hundreds upon hundreds of loved ones that gathered together to celebrate this special life and mourn the loss of this most special of spirits. These are the shaking voices I heard, telling stories of remembrance, reading Scriptures, singing melodies of love and faith. These are the hands I held and bodies I hugged as they held onto every ounce of strength they could summon, trying to make it through one moment at a time in a life now bearing such a large void of emptiness.

It was truly amazing to see the outpouring of love for this incredible young woman. I knew her, yes. I considered her a friend, yes. But there was so much more to her than the little that I knew. These are the things I learned over the past several days. These are the things that touched my heart more deeply than I could have ever imagined.

I watched my best friend, her best friend as well, stand in strength and dignity and beauty. I listened to her read words of Scripture standing in front of hundreds of people gathered in the church and the tears fell from my eyes, knowing that she will live always with an emptiness that can never be filled. I watched her in admiration, realizing that she cannot see the beautiful grace and respect that she exudes, these same qualities that she so admired in the best friend she lost.

I watched her mother, hugging us all, speaking words of comfort to those around her. I watched and listened, amazed at her strength and her selfless concern for others. And I watched her fiance, standing beside the beautiful white haven where her body will rest for all eternity. I watched him choke back tears, thanking each of us for our prayers. Saw the desperation in his eyes as he remained as close as possible to the woman he was meant to marry. And yet through his pain, he stood tall, strong, determined, all for the love of his life.

And I listened to words that touched my heart and to the depths of my soul. I listened as loved ones spoke of this young woman's dedication to family, her loyalty to friends, her childhood dreams and the paths she took to fulfill those dreams. I listened to the many ways that she touched the countless lives of all those she met. Of her bright smile and her caring hugs, her kindness, her devotion, her patience. I listened to how she lived a life of purpose, using her God-given gifts for the good of those around her, and how we should all embrace life with such devotion and sincerity as this incredible young woman. I listened to these words and realized that she exemplified the life we should all strive to live. I thought of her with her radiant smile and I made a commitment to her, to God, and to myself. A commitment to do my best to embrace life and live my dreams, to help others while still taking care of myself, to never stop appreciating the people and experiences of life that bring joy to our hearts and joy to the hearts of those around us. A renewed commitment to family, friends, and God. Commitment to live this life to the fullest and use the gifts with which God has so graciously blessed me.

Thank you J. Thank you for being the beautiful woman you were. Thank you for sharing your generous spirit, loving heart, and committed soul with all those who knew you. Thank you for using the gifts God gave you, for giving those gifts so freely to those around you, for giving them back to God through your life here on earth. And thank you most of all for being an inspiration, a beautiful reminder to never take life for granted, to cherish our love ones each and every day, to give our love to others with abundance and faith. Your love and spirit will continue to live on for all eternity.

our best friend...she will always hold your hand

It was seven years ago when I first met my best friend, my soul mate. We met by circumstance but the bond we formed surpassed any friendship I have experienced before or since. With a contagious personality and infectious humor, she could have a crowd wrapped around her little finger with one joke or playful antic. But she was more than just fun. She was the type of friend who would come over if you called at 3 a.m. just because you were having a bad night. She was the one who would hold you through the tears, remind you of hope and faith and beauty when beauty could not be found alone. And her loyalty was stronger than anything I have ever known. It was no surprise that she had two other best friends, one since the days of childhood and one since her early years of carefree adolescence. But there was no jealousy, not then, and not in the seven years since. She was just one of those people who loved her friends so deeply and completely that we inevitably grew to love each other as well.

Almost exactly five years ago, we were planning for her wedding day. Bridal showers and excitement leading up to her big day. The night before her wedding was a night filled with champagne and laughter. Sillyness in the hot tub and girl time in the hotel rooms. The bride to be, her sisters, her soon-to-be sister-in-law, and her three best friends. It was a night of bonding, of tears, of comfort. That night, she slept peacefully in the hotel bed, her childhood best friend on one side and me on the other.

Flashes of memories from her wedding day come flooding back. Endless tears at seeing my best friend so completely full of happiness, literally glowing as she walked down the aisle. Snapshots of amusing moments...her childhood best friend and I attempting to hold up an incredibly heavy wedding gown so that she could pee one last time before exchanging her vows. The wine we drank on the way to the church, the tissues hidden in our bouquets of flowers. And then a reception of drinks and dancing. The whole lot of girls booty-shaking, caught on camera, the bride with her dress hiked up to her knees and barefoot. Classic moments...moments that will live on in my memory forever.

Last year, she got pregnant. More times of celebration and baby showers. I was grateful to her childhood best friend, the organized one. Her patience and excellent planning abilities ensured that the shower we threw would be a success. We talked a lot in those days, never thinking it odd that our only connection lay in this beautiful woman, the best friend to both of us.

And that is how it always was. I don't think any of us ever stopped to think it strange when we all piled on the couch together to pose for pictures. It seemed natural that if we all loved this woman so much, we would always be a part of one another's lives. We accepted it without question, and we were her "family of friends".

I got a phone call from my best friend yesterday. The words that came from her mouth were words I never wanted to hear, words I never imagined hearing, words I know she could not fathom were actually coming from her mouth. In shock, she told me that her childhood best friend had just passed away.

Immediately I wanted to jump in the car and drive the three hours to be with her, to help with her infant daughter, to hold her and let her fall apart in my arms. In that moment, I was grateful for her state of shock, grateful she could not yet feel the pain that would literally tear her apart.

Completely unexpected and incomprehensible. Why would God take someone so young, with so much life yet to live? This beautiful young woman that lit up the eyes of a classroom of 6-year-olds every day, this woman who remained calm in crises, a tower of strength and stability. A woman in love, who would be an amazing wife and the most loving of mothers. A woman who held the hand of her best friend, of my best friend, for so many years. Why would God take this woman? And why take her with no warning?

There was no time for good-byes. A sudden diagnosis, collapsing into a coma from which she would never awaken. My heart literally aches when I imagine her mother and brother, her boyfriend and our best friend. How will they continue on in this world without her? How will they ever heal from the loss of this beautiful young woman with so much love and commitment to life?

I pray with every ounce of faith I can summon, begging God to comfort these people, these precious people. I pray for him to bring me the strength to comfort my best friend.

As I drove down a darkened street tonight, I spoke to the best friend of my best friend. I believe she is in Heaven, looking down and watching over those that loved her. This is what I have to believe. And so I talked to her and asked her to please keep holding our best friend's hand. To hold on forever.

She was always the stable one, the secure one, the port I knew would never falter even in the worst of storms. I loved her for loving our best friend, for always being there, and for taking care of our girl. And I know that no matter what, she will continue to be there, watching over our best friend and holding her hand for all eternity.

May her beautiful soul rest in peace always! And when she looks down from Heaven, may she always see the place on the couch or the bed reserved just for her.